'We can't pretend it doesn't happen': Why pornography is part of modern life

Ease of access to porn online has led to an explosion in its use. But what happens when viewing it takes priority over sexual intimacy with your partner?

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Of the many societal changes wrought by technology, the proliferation and easy availability of porn on the internet has been one of the most seismic. In the last two decades or so, pornography has moved from the top shelf of newsagents and under the counter at (now defunct) video stores to being accessible in a few clicks on the laptops in our living rooms and the smartphones in our pockets. 

According to Pornhub’s own statistics, the website is visited by more than 120m people daily, with a spike in activity during the pandemic. While there is much concern about the content of pornography and how its proliferation is affecting sexual behaviour, there is no doubt that viewing it has become a lot less taboo. So what effect is the proliferation of porn having on our relationships and if your partner is watching porn, when do you need to worry?

Psychotherapist Natalya Price, who is based in Donnybrook in Dublin, specialises in sex and relationship therapy and often works with couples where porn use has become problematic. She says, however, that it is often a symptom of underlying problems in the relationship.

“They might come in saying the relationship is impacted because of pornography use but it is usually nothing to do with pornography at all. 

"The pornography is just something that is a symptom of something bigger and more important, either a relationship issue or depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive behaviour. Something else is there that the couple isn’t really looking at or working on.” 

According to Price, in the context of her practice, it is mostly men who are using porn. This can often create difficulties for their partner in terms of trust.

“A female partner might be seeing this as an infidelity, particularly if the man is using it as an exit out of intimacy in their relationship. It causes real pain. That is where it is important to look at what it is doing to her, what is her and his level of understanding and education around porn. She feels like she was betrayed because she assumed he would never look at another women, anywhere, ever again.” 

 Such experiences underscore the importance of couples having a free and open conversation around who in the relationship is using porn and why.

“There are lots of men who have a thriving exciting sex life with their partners and watch porn and it is not a problem for anyone. It is really down to individual cases and what is hurtful — is it the fact that it is secret and that is where the trust is broken? It is something that most couples really need to look at and reassess and say, for example: ‘How do you feel about if my erotic energy is directed elsewhere? If that’s a problem, let’s talk about it and figure it out’. It is about having a conversation without shame or criticism,” says Price.

Difference between the sexes 

 Joshua Grubbs, assistant professor of psychology at Bowling Green State University in the US, has carried out various research studies on the topic and says it is safe to assume that it is mainly men who view pornography.

“What we know is that men [with access to the internet] view pornography more frequently and in greater numbers than women do. Some of the better statistics we have suggest that around 50% of men would report viewing pornography in a given week. If you extend that out to the past [given] year, that number goes closer to 90%. Where with women, in the past week we would expect about 15% and about 40% in the past year. 

"There is a lot of academic writing about the reasons for this. Part of it is probably innate biological drive differences, part is the fact that the vast majority of pornography is produced for the male gaze, for men’s consumption rather than women’s.”

 According to Suzi Godson, sex and relationships columnist for The Irish Examiner, partners in a relationship are entitled to a ‘solo’ sex life in tandem with their shared sex life, but it is how they communicate about it that matters.

“It is very easy to clear [internet search] histories or hide vibrators if you want to keep that part of your life separate, that’s fine but you should be honest about it with each other. But, for example, if you don’t go to bed at the same time and one partner is staying up on the pretence that they are working and actually what they are doing is looking at porn, that creates a rift in the relationship. It is those behaviours that people need to be on the lookout for. Two people who respect and like each other and care for each other don’t do that. There is a disrespect inbuilt in that behaviour.” 

Should we worry about porn addiction? 

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While excessive or compulsive porn use can impact negatively on a relationship, the term ‘porn addiction’ is an unhelpful term, and one that does not have scientific backing, according to Price.

“We have no evidence of addiction linked to pornography,” she says. “It is an unhelpful way of looking at it because it pathologises what is sometimes a harmless behaviour and also completely covers up the opportunity for people to look deeper. For example, if a guy has obsessive tendencies or really strong anxiety, porn can be something he finds comforting, it is how he regulates himself.” 

 According to Grubbs, the notion of whether porn is addictive or not is hotly debated. “What we do know is that some people feel out of control in their pornography use. Depending on where you measure this, it varies from country to country, but you can define in a large number of our studies that somewhere around 7% to 10% of men in nationally representative samples report feeling that they may be viewing too much pornography. About 1% to 5% of women are reporting that they might be viewing too much pornography. I wouldn’t say all of them have a diagnosable disorder, I think some of them are just experiencing concerns that they think they might be using too much.”

Grubbs says he is more concerned about how porn is becoming a means of sex education. “It is increasingly common to view pornography as a form of sexual education or a way of learning about sex. In general, if adolescents are getting adequate sex education from trustworthy sources and they understand that pornography is not real life, then there doesn’t seem to be a lot of ill effects. The issue is that in large portions of the world, those two things [sex education and an understanding that porn is not real] are not met. 

"There are some recent studies that strongly suggest that young adults are more accepting of sexual ‘pornified’ practices, certain positions, certain types of sexual aggression, for example, the notion of facial ejaculation and things like that. It is not to say that consenting adults cannot agree to do these but there is evidence to suggest that younger adults that are more exposed to pornography find them more acceptable. I’m not going to say that is inherently bad but it is enough to give me pause and think we really need to study this, we really need to understand this.”

How young people are introduced to depictions of sex can have an impact on their intimate relationships further down the line, says Price. Young people will find porn online at some stage, and we can’t be sure at what age. “How prepared are they to actually process what they see? [Encountering it online] can be frightening and confusing. If they don’t talk to you, if you don’t talk to them, if educators are not there to support them with any questions arise, then they fill the gaps with what they can, and it’s usually negative and fearful.” 

Call for tighter regulation

 The type of content viewed can also become an issue in a relationship. Some academics and campaigners are calling for tighter regulation, saying that porn is so rife with sexual violence that it is not enough to educate children and young people about its impact. 

Dr Monica O’Connor, a senior researcher at the UCD Sexual Exploitation Research Programme, recently called for pornography to be included in the national action plan on violence against women and said that tech firms should also be doing more in the area.

She told the Citizen’s Assembly that “almost all” porn now is what people used to call 'hardcore' — violent content which debases and demeans women.

According to Grubbs, however, it is far too late for such moves.

“Frankly, I think Pandora’s Box is open, I don’t think it can be shut. Regulating pornography is going to be next to impossible. 

If we can’t censor it, or if you don’t want to censor it, then making sure that your public is informed, educated and aware of what it is and how to interpret it is probably the next step that makes the most sense.

Godson also points to the central role continuing technological advances are playing in the pornography industry.

She says the use of artificial intelligence and algorithms is contributing to the proliferation of unsuitable and disturbing content.

“The average amount of time that people spend on a porn site is 12 minutes — it is a means to an end. One of the problems with the internet is that it is a race to the bottom. That AI push is the most dangerous thing about porn on the internet. People get dragged down rabbit holes that they never intended to visit in the first place. More people need to be educated about how AI and the push to make us buy things and see things is actually driving human behaviour in a way we are really not ready for and we don’t understand completely.”

Impact on intimate relationships 

Concrete statistics and research on the impact of porn on relationships in an Irish context are thin on the ground. However, a study led by Marie-Pier Vaillancourt-Morel at Canada's Université du Québec à Trois-Rivières, which was published last July, found that pornography use did not appear to harm couples’ relationship satisfaction. 

According to Vaillancourt-Morel, the study was the first to use daily diaries to examine pornography use, and also included mixed-sex and same-sex couples as past studies only included heterosexual couples. One interesting finding of the study was that women were more likely to feel an increased desire to have sex with their partner on a day that they used porn, indicating that for some women, it can be a type of foreplay.

Honesty about such use of porn, and other elements such as sex toys, with your partner can be beneficial for a relationship in the long run.

“Porn is much more internal and cerebral for women,” says Godson. “But the reality is that it is the same end game, and women masturbate too. We all need to be more honest about it. We can’t have a multi-billion pound vibrator market and pretend it doesn’t happen, what are we doing with them, stirring our coffee? I don’t think so.” 

Erotica sites with a difference 

Actor turned wellness guru Gwyneth Paltrow recently waded into the world of porn, with a ‘Good Guide to Porn’ featuring on her Goop website. She wrote: “There are a growing number of platforms building a body of porn that is compelling and diverse, shown through the female gaze, made by women, ethically produced — and hot. These are erotica sites that we like and trust.” 

The concept of ‘ethical’ porn has been around for a while, with Cindy Gallop launching Make Love Not Porn, a user-generated, crowdsourced video-sharing platform in 2009, in an attempt to squash the myths of hardcore pornography and start a dialogue around how ‘real’ people have sex. 

The popularity of user-generated content has also soared with the advent of sites such as OnlyFans, an English-based content subscription platform. These have brought another new dimension to porn consumption, with subscribers paying to view explicit material including videos and photos from content ‘creators’, some of whom are earning significant amounts.

According to Suzi Godson, however, this has led to commercial interests trying to cash in.

“The emergence of ‘punter’ or home porn started as people putting their own porn videos online, and quite legitimately, people like Cindy Gallop encouraging that as a form of ethical porn. But what happens is that you get commercial directors now trying to make porn films that look like they are amateur porn films. They are pushing amateur porn in another direction and it has gone from being an opportunity to see people having sex into something much darker and sinister now,” she says.