Learner Dad: Will I be calling to my son’s house on his wedding day to help him put on socks?

Picture: iStock 

How old does a child have to be before they can get themselves dressed and out to school? I typed it into Google there and the answer at the top of the page was 18 months. 

Working off that timescale, my two should be driving themselves to school. But they’re not. At eight and six years old, it’s still very messy trying to get them going in the morning. (Maybe it’s just me, but they seem extra dreamy these mornings, after a two- month lockdown.) 

OK, I know that the 18 months answer from Google was about toddlers starting to get themselves dressed. But that’s just a reminder that my kids have been able to dress themselves for ages. The problem is they can’t do it when we really want them to. And that’s wrecking these lovely spring mornings.

I was lured into fatherhood by telly ads where a guy skips into the kitchen in his freshly ironed shirt, drinks coffee, kisses his wife and says goodbye to his already dressed kids, munching their breakfast in silence. This is false advertising, worse than the deodorant ads that promise you’ll be able to punch above your weight in terms of attracting a partner.

My morning is the exact opposite of this. And, if you have kids under 10, my guess is yours is as well.

About six months ago we decided to make it the kids’ job to get themselves dressed after breakfast. The porridge is finished by 8am, we don’t leave for school until 8.30 am, there’s loads of time there for them. Or at least you’d think that 30 minutes would be enough time.

We never learned how long it would take to go from the breakfast table to school-run ready because we’d have been lucky to make it to school before 11. All I know it was a million times more stressful than actually dressing them ourselves. We were trying to do the right thing, get them to take some responsibility, but it just put everyone in a foul mood.

My wife has a no-nonsense buddy at the school gate who has reared a few kids – she said she thought we were mad bringing that stress on ourselves, so we’re back helping them to get dressed again.

It’s better than watching them limping around the house in one shoe because the other one is missing. But I’m still not convinced – will I be calling over to my son’s house on his wedding day to help him put on his socks? So when do we start making them do it for themselves?

It’s a broader issue in our house. I’ve no patience, so trying to stand back and let my kids do anything at all for themselves isn’t great for my sense of calm. We’re not helicopter parents – we're more cattle-prod parents, where it's, “Come on, come on, get a move on, why haven’t you done it yet?”.

I presume that’s not working well for the kids either. The result is a lot me big threats before 9am. It’s not unusual for them to walk out the door with the phrases “Nintendo Switch” and “going in the bin” ringing in their ears.

The threats aren’t working, Cattle-prod parenting is a pain and I don’t want to keep calling them a baby, because that’s malicious and useless.

My friend has two boys, the youngest is aged 11. He says he doesn’t really see them in the morning, they tend to look after themselves in terms of making lunches and getting dressed. Some mornings his only interaction is a wave goodbye as he heads out on his morning run. He’s like the guy in the ad earlier, with the perfectly ironed shirt.

Our eldest is aged eight. She has a lovely hippy soul but is a bit of a dreamer with it, which slows her down in the mornings. Judging by my friend’s kid, she should be completely DIY by the age of 11. I just have no idea how to make that happen.