Learning Points: How to avoid people-pleasing this Christmas

When you stop trying to please everyone else, you will find you are more respected and more valued 

Christmas is a special time of year. But it doesn’t come without its own challenges and burdens.

It’s Christmas eve babe, in the ‘in-law’s’ house... and more than likely you’re taking a deep breath building yourself up for all that Christmas will bring into your life over the next few days. There is no doubt about it, this time of year can challenge the strongest of familial relationships. 

It can also illuminate some of the fault lines that exist between people because we are pushed into close proximity with those we might generally try to avoid. So, these next few days can cause a lot of stress. 

I often meet women in my clinic who seek out therapy at this time of year because they know the festive period is going to place an incredible amount of pressure on them. They are looking for advice on how to change their family’s perception of them or how to stop their family from placing so much responsibility on their shoulders. 

When I am confronted by an exhaustive litany of banal chores, I stop the conversation by saying, 'a people pleaser pleases no one, least of all themselves'. Why is it we get caught in a futile, thankless cycle of trying to please everyone? Well, the answer lies in your past.

It might surprise you to know that it generally comes out of an insecurity. It comes from our formative years, when we developed the negative paradigm that we must please people to be liked or loved. If you’re reading this and you have often wondered, why do I find it so hard to say ‘no’, maybe the answer lies in a belief you hold about yourself. 

What would it mean for you to say ‘no’ to something you don’t particularly want to do and potentially risk upsetting someone else? Ask yourself, how do I feel after I try to please everyone? 

People pleasers generally end up resenting the people they are trying to please and resenting themselves. A pleaser rarely has a very positive view of self. How could they? Being true to yourself is such an important part of valuing yourself. A people pleaser believes that they are not valued unless they are running around doing everything for everyone. 

German philosopher Immanuel Kant said, "If the premise is wrong, the conclusion will always be wrong." The premise a people pleaser holds is that they must be in a constant state of pleasing to be liked by people. What a terrible bind to get yourself caught in because, the reality is, you can’t please everyone. Attempting to do that will only leave you exhausted and disillusioned. People will not respect you either. Remember, we teach people how to treat us; a people pleaser teaches people to walk all over them. 

This Christmas, try to change the way you look at yourself. Stop trying to please everyone and, for once, please yourself. When you do this, people will respect you more and value you more. You might even start to like yourself a little bit more, too.

Another aspect of meeting family over Christmas we might struggle with is falling back into old patterns of behaviour that we have tried to leave behind. 

Our family of origin is such a powerful system. That is where we learned about ourselves and where we developed all those subconscious paradigms about who we are and how we should present ourselves in the world. 

Often, depending on where we come in the family, we can be forced into acting a certain way that we are not happy about to maintain the balance of that old system. But you are no longer that child and you should never meet the limiting expectations of others, especially when those ideas reduce you. As I said, we teach people how to treat us. 

When we move out of our family of origin, we tend to try to shake off all the negative labels we received growing up, but we can fall back into them so easily. Don’t allow yourself to be positioned like that. When you notice it happening, take a moment to yourself and remember who you are now. You’re not that child; show your family that by being your true self.

Christmas is a special time of year. But it doesn’t come without its own challenges and burdens. After the year we have had, maybe the greatest gift you can give anyone is showing them the importance of being true to yourself. 

The pandemic has shown us the importance of cherishing every moment with our loved ones. By not trying to please everyone and staying true to who you are, we will make those moments with our loved ones even more meaningful. 

Have a lovely Christmas and remember it will be over soon and the new year brings hope with the vaccine.