Richard Hogan: My advice for parents whose children are about to start secondary school

As the countdown to 'back to school' begins, Richard Horgan shares his knowledge as a parent and former teacher to pass on tips

'Give them the courage to go in there and embrace it all, and when they come home, ask them a positive question: What are you enjoying about this new school?' Picture: iStock

Oh, those three little words that used to cause me such distress.

I’d be cycling my bicycle through the streets of Douglas, carefree in the warmth of summer, and then, all over Quinnsworth supermarket, I’d see those three words. I’d glance again to make sure my eyes were not deceiving me. They weren’t: Plastered all over the windows was the sign that said: ‘Back to school’.

I’d nearly fall off my bike. What are they on about?, I’d think. Sure, it’s only July. But August was coming, and school was coming with it.

So, like those posters in July foreshadowing doom, I shall discuss going back to school, even if it’s only July!

Anyway, for many parents, their child going back to school can be challenging, particularly if that child is moving from primary to secondary school. Children don’t always go to their local community school with all their other friends from primary, and so will be getting ready to enter a new school without knowing anyone. That can be very difficult to experience.

The transition from primary to secondary is huge, and we often don’t prepare our children for it. In primary school, children have one classroom with one teacher for the entire year. That whole rhythm is predictable and knowable. That continuity is great for children. But secondary school is different.

While the children sill have a classroom that is their base, there is a considerable amount of movement throughout the day. They have to make their way to different classrooms, with different teachers, different subjects, and different students. They have lockers and canteens to navigate. It can be a little overwhelming.

So, chat with your child about what they are looking forward to the most in secondary school. Also, allow them to express some of their fears about it to process all of the change coming in to their lives.

I worked as a secondary school teacher for many years. I could see those first-year students coming into the school full of apprehension and excitement. Something I noticed very early in my teaching was the phenomenon of two best friends coming in to the school together. They would be tied at the hip for the first two months: Eating together, walking through the corridors chatting, sitting next to each other in class. They would be inseparable.

But then, by November, something would have changed. I’d notice one of the boys on his own. He wouldn’t be sitting with his best friend during lunch and he wouldn’t be chatting with anyone walking through the corridors. 

When I’d ask him what had happened, I’d hear the same narrative of how his best friend had joined a new group of friends. He had been left for a more popular group and now had been profoundly let down.

The boy would describe eating in the toilet on their own and not wanting to come to school. That can be a brutal experience for a young teenager.

A top tip I would have for parents is to try and help their child to widen out their friendship group. I did this with my own daughter when she was moving to secondary school, and I could hear how much it benefited her experience of school. She had friends from hockey, scouts, and swimming. And so when I’d ask who she was hanging around with, it was constantly changing.

She wasn’t stuck with just one friend. That can make you a little bullet-proof to the ups and downs of teenage friendships. There will be a lot of drama from time to time, and if your child has a wide group of friends, they will be able to avoid all that drama.

Also, help your child to get organised. I’m not suggesting you do the scheduling for them, but that you sit with them as it gets closer to September and help them think about the week ahead.

Help them to think about managing their locker, where they will keep the key, etc.

They are entering an environment with adults.

I would talk to my child about what they might hear and what people might say to them, and how to manage themselves if someone says something negative to them.

I always talk to my children about why someone says something negative. I explain that it is never about them but about the person who says it.

Last year, my daughter told me one of her friends said something hurtful to her, and when I asked her what she first thought when she said that, her reply was: “I wondered why she felt so insecure in that moment.”

If we all developed how to think like that, our world would be far better.

Starting a new school is full of promise.

Our children will be excited about it all, but they will also be a little nervous. Tell them everyone is feeling what they are feeling, and that the loudest person they meet is probably feeling that nervousness the most.

Give them the courage to go in there and embrace it all, and when they come home, ask them a positive question: What are you enjoying about this new school? And before long they will have settled in to this new, exciting adventure.