Dear Dáithí: Careful? Tight? Frugal? I just can't justify spending money on myself

'Myself and my husband both had work but the money just melted away on mortgage, food, car, insurance and all the other usual stuff. We didn't go without, but we never bought anything without waiting for a sale or checking for discount codes or loyalty offers.'

Dear Dáithí,

I have an unusual habit of not being able to spend money on myself as I just can’t justify it.

I’ll be honest and say that things were tight over the past 15 years. Myself and my husband both had work but the money just melted away on mortgage, food, car, insurance and all the other usual stuff. We didn’t go without, but we never bought anything without waiting for a sale or checking for discount codes or loyalty offers.

Now we’re on a better rate for the mortgage and there’s an end in sight to that money drain. And we’ve both changed jobs to private sector and actually got bonuses for the first time too. So, we’re not rich but we’re not worried about making it to the end of the month now either.

But I just can’t let go of the frugal side of myself. I can’t bring myself to just buy clothes for myself unless it’s from a second-hand site and I would never treat myself to a takeaway coffee because I’ve spent so long saying ‘we have tea and coffee at home and it’s cheaper that way’.

My kids never went without the right uniforms or school bags, of course, but we didn’t spoil them. Now they’re older they are delighted to be buying the best makeup and clothes at prices that I would never spend on myself. 

I can’t stop myself pointing out how expensive their runners or fancy highlighter or blush is and I’m still using supermarket brands myself.

I don’t want to be swishing around dripping in diamonds or anything but how do I find a way to enjoy life without constantly calculating the cost of everything?

Old habits die hard and for good reason if you ask me. The reality here is that you know what it’s like to have your back to the wall when it comes to money and therefore you know the true worth of a euro.

The fact that you had 15 years of this tells me a lot about you. You are hardworking, unselfish, dedicated to your family and — like my own mother — always the last person to eat.

They don’t come better than you. I know some people in this world, and they know the price of everything but the values of nothing, you are certainly not one of them.

I think a lot of people reading this will identify with the way you told of all the bills eating into the week’s wages and what little can be left when all is said and done.

But to me the real message is to stick with it and things will get better. And like you they will come out the other way.

These days you are at a stage where you don’t have to worry anymore, and this is a great place to be. And I think before you start fretting about what to spend money on, you should enjoy this part of it.

People underestimate the relief that’s there when you finally shake off a worry or something that was bothering you. This to me is a great win and should be celebrated. This is a defeat of something that might have kept you awake at night, so think about this a bit.

Dáithí Ó Sé: 'You are looking for a way to enjoy where you are now without calculating as you go along. I think this will go away after a while, but I think you will still have an eye for a bargain, and you should never lose that...' File picture: Dominick Walsh

Words make worlds and you say you’re finding it hard to shake the ‘frugal’ side of you. I’d change your use of the word frugal to smart because that’s exactly what it is. We throw around words like frugal and thrifty and never look into what they really mean. You know the value of things and in my book you are smart with money.

Whether your clothes come from Brown Thomas or a second-hand shop is irrelevant, the main thing is that you like what you’re wearing. Now you might some day push yourself to a takeaway coffee — at least try it even though it’s ‘free’ at home and if you still have an issue with it, that’s fine too.

Your children have never seen a bad day and that is down to you and your husband’s hard work and they should be grateful for all you have done. But, because they haven’t seen it, it means they don’t know what’s involved and you are 100% right to point prices out to them in shops. 

The problem is that your advice will probably fall on deaf ears.

Kids don’t hear, they see and feel and for now they haven’t seen anything bad and please God it will stay that way. But you should remind them what you had to go through. My young fella gets it all the time from me, and I get the eyes to heaven. He learned this from his mother I think!

Now I do have one question for you: where is this pressure to spend money on yourself coming from? Because it seems to me you are quite happy with what you have. 

Are you trying to get away from the hard days when you didn’t have it and that might bring back not-so-pleasant memories? Or is it a societal thing? Or is it other people telling you that you need to be dressed a certain way? I would really love to know.

You are looking for a way to enjoy where you are now without calculating as you go along. I think this will go away after a while, but I think you will still have an eye for a bargain, and you should never lose that... that is a gift from God.

I was a sole trader for more than 25 years, and when you are you’re always looking for the next gig and minding what you had and have, and always worried where the next gig will come from. Well you have been in that same frame of mind for 15 years.

What's your view on this issue?

You can tell us here

In one sense, it keeps you on your toes, while at the same time takes a lot of energy. You don’t have to do that anymore and that is a good thing too.

I think you just need to find the balance; you know now that you are in a good place with money and you can take your foot off the pedal and not worry about things as much. You also don’t want to be walking around like Mr T covered in jewellery, so you kinda know where you want to be.

So, there is a good bit there, but I still want to know where this pressure is coming from. That key will unlock a lot of this.