Esther McCarthy: What your profile picture says about you

Esther McCarthy: Your choice of profile picture says a lot about you Picture: Emily Quinn

I was looking for a picture to go with (yet another) Whatsapp group the other day and started thinking about profile pictures, and what your choice says about you. They tend to fall into distinct categories.

The mum with their kids and no spouse

This does not mean there is trouble in paradise. But the kids are still small, and the mum possibly does the brunt of the heavy lifting when it comes to the parenting side of things, for whatever reason, and she is subconsciously refusing to let himself get a look in.

When he stops his midweek flights to Berlin for on-site meetings, and starts getting up for the teething shift, then he’ll get a spot in her profile pic.

The photo of just the kids

If the photo is more than seven years old, and the children are angelic, cute little cherubs, with their arms around each other, or asleep on a sheep or something, it usually means the kids are now a nightmare of hormones and hellcats. They look wistfully at that pic, and remember when they used to like their kids, and the kids never rolled an eye at them, not once.

The photo of all the family spruced up for an occasion

This is to remind herself and the world that, at one point, they had control over what their kids wear. Now she is probably spending her life sorting out grip socks and dry tech fleeces and yearns for the day when her little darling would happily put on a waistcoat and a bow tie and everyone would coo.

Also, since a trip to a restaurant these days requires remortgaging, it’s nice to recall the good old days when you could get a glass of wine for under a tenner.

Just them and one child

This is the favourite child, possibly the eldest when they were younger, before the others came along. It’s probably a mixture of couldn’t be arsed changing it, and all the ensuing children did nothing to warrant the coveted spot. Step up your game, youngers, is the hidden message here.

The goofy family selfie

This person has a sense of humour and it makes them smile a little bit every time they look at the photo of them all in their cycling helmets pulling silly faces. Look how sporty and silly we are!

What they’ve blocked from their memory is that it took 17 tries to fit them all into the shot and by the end little Lulu was crying so hard they had to put the sunglasses over her face so she wouldn’t ruin the vibe. Typical Lulu.

The pic of the person travelling solo, somewhere cool

This is an adventurous soul who wants the world and her contacts to know she’s not done yet! Just because the most excitement she got all year was when Johnny from accounts came in hungover and fell asleep in the breastfeeding room does not mean her life is going to remain dull.

She probably has a Pinterest board with farflung places she’s going to go backpacking to. In reality, she’ll be lucky if she swings a weekend in Centre Parcs, but people need dreams, so say nothing.

The pic of her looking gorge with an alcoholic beverage

This woman is footloose and fancy free and is subtly reminding her friends that she can do whatever the hell she wants, and she does not want to hear about your busy GAA carpool because (a) you brought this on yourself the morning you first darkened the door of the local club and (b) it is boring. Shoo. She has a fabulous party to attend.

No photo, just that creepy grey outline of a disembodied head

I’m too busy to care about such trifling matters. Go away. This person will usually use shortened language, like WTF and IDK and PFO.

They are straightforward and there’s no guff. They communicate when they need to, and there’ll be no fancy business. They do not stand for voice notes and will unabashedly tell you so. Also, they might not have quite worked out how to add a photo but NO TIME to figure it out.

The pic of the person with someone who has passed away

This person just wants to remember their mum, or their dad, or granny, friend, or godmother. They will reread their threads, and it’s a comfort. Also, they’re not crying, there’s just something in their eye.

The pic that looks like it was shot in a studio with professional lighting and a hair and makeup budget

Girl, who are you kidding? Do you really want to set the standard this high? You are asking for trouble.

A cool painting, a piece of pottery, or the pool from their holiday five years ago

This person has an aura of mystery about them. Vanity is not in their playbook. Usually artistic, creative types. Or else it’s their business and they’re trying to sell you something.

The family pet

These people are serial killers. Do not cross them.