Colm O'Regan: 'Can we just bring in the 'Colm Has A Pint By Himself' law?'
The drift is positive but the news still see-saws. Vaccine success versus vaccine shortage, re-opening versus Indian variants.
Sport coming back versus Olympic variants. (The normal strain was bad enough. What hope have we against a virus that’s been training towards this moment all its life?) At the moment they’re talking about how many can attend an indoor meal. There was mention of a limit of 15 people, including children. That sounds terrible. Why would we be bringing children with us?
The whole point of a trip to a restaurant or a pub is to get away from the children. And once again introverts are ignored in the reopening plan as there is no mention of when we can socialise in groups of one.
Like, can we just bring in the Colm Has A Pint By Himself law? Of course, I’m not looking for a very narrow relaxation of the rules that causes headaches to administer and disappointment for other cohorts and just suits me but what i am saying is... oh actually wait that is what I’m looking for.
While the see-sawing goes on, I’m indulging in daydreaming. About the perfect pub: I’ve said it before and will say it again. What sets Irish pubs apart is not trad music or old High Nellies hanging from the ceiling. It’s comfortable seats and the right lighting. Or lack of it. I don’t need to be beaten over the head with authenticity.
Like in those Bulmer’s ads where a perfect population pyramid of drinkers cavort knowingly around apple-harvest time. Where the old people look like ‘Glad They Took Out A Pension’ grandparents in a Life Assurance ad. I don’t want that many beautiful people in a room. They’d be sure to be snorting away off the lid of the cistern in the jacks anyway.
If I want to pint and scroll, that should be my right. I don’t want a snug because cul-de-sacs are a weakness militarily. Ideally, I need at least one approach route protected by a wall. I’ll have a bit of food. Not for NPHET reasons but I just think I’ll be on my ear after one, intoxicated by the sensory experience.
I might even splash out. On the kind of curry and chips, you only get in pubs and the side salad that is included only for insurance reasons. But if I’m eating curry, seat heights will have to be correct. There are enough curry stains on my clothes as it is.
The pub should have toilets, not restrooms. It can’t be too comfortable in a pub toilet or you might get locked in at closing, conked. I want peace and quiet but not too much. I don’t mind if there’s a telly on. I’d like to watch half an episode of Shortland Street or Murder She Wrote if it was on. Just for the sheer simplicity of it. A casual TV fling with no commitment or the guilt you get from Netflix where unfinished series litter the screen like discontinued hobby equipment in an attic.
I know there are perfect pubs with sea views and beautiful beer gardens. But for my return, I want a pub built for winter. Maybe even a fuggy July day. Plotting in taverns is what made this country great.
And then at the end, a taxi outside bringing me straight home and up the stairs to bed and a sleep that transcends all hangovers. What do ya think? Does it sound like a plan? (That’s not an invitation.)
