Alison Curtis: Praising our children reaps benefits for us all

Each day we should be making a point of praising good behaviour

As parents we are continually trying to be balanced. If we have to “give out” to our kids, many of us try to remind ourselves to focus on praising them as well — to focus more on the positives than the negatives. But this isn’t always easy. In fact, it is usually a very difficult thing to maintain.

All our lives are pressurised. We have work to get done, we have had homeschooling for a year, we have homes to keep going, laundry to do, bills to manage and mouths to feed (several times a day.)

I think the majority of us fall into that trap of, while we are trying to keep everything afloat, we focus more on the negative behaviour around us because, basically, it is the thing that needs “fixing”.

Our lives won’t run smoothly if our kids don’t co-operate or help out. However, they do run pretty smoothly if, instead of having a tantrum, they decide to pick up a book and read quietly for a moment.

The trouble is the good behaviour sometimes goes unacknowledged. It is something we are just temporarily grateful for and it allowed us to peel the spuds or answer an email

But we should really be focusing so much more on the good behaviour because, in the long run, that will make things easier on us and we will get more of it from our kids.

This is easier said than done. Throughout periods of my daughter Joan’s life, I have really tried to refocus my parenting on praise over “giving out”. And every time I do this, it results in a much easier life for both of us.

This past week, I noticed I was getting too negative again. I found myself increasingly criticising her for leaving things lying around or not helping out

I was giving out more about her needing help with certain things or blamed her for constantly whining.

For a few days, this was our back and forth before I reminded myself to stop. To try to think before I speak. Is there a better way of phrasing a request instead of being so negative?

One example that kept coming up was that it bothered me that, after every meal, she would just get up and leave everything on the table. I kept pointing out it was messy or sloppy, instead of encouraging her to clean up.

This sounds basic, but I showed her what I wanted her to do — which was to clear her plate of anything either in the bin or compost and then put her plate in the dishwasher. So simple, but I hadn’t actually physically shown her. Now she just does it and I make a point of thanking her every time.

Other things that were slipping under my radar of late was Joan's just generally kind behaviour. Last week I made a point of stopping her afterwards and pointing out how proud it makes me — like when she meets someone in the park and she really wants to pet their dog, Joan always politely asks before she does it and I tell her that it is such a considerate thing to do.

The other day two separate groups of kids were arguing over a misunderstanding and Joan told me in great detail how she managed to clear it up with both sides. 

I was bursting with pride and made sure she also took pride in her actions

Positive reinforcement comes in all shapes, from what is seemingly very minor (like saying well done when she manages to get all the knots out of her hair on her own), to the major (congratulating her on being a leader within a group of friends and showing others how to be tolerant).

The important part, however, is to be their cheerleader as often as possible and that, as parents, we take the time to stop, reflect and check in with ourselves. Are we being too negative? When was the last time we empowered our kids through a compliment?

Each day we should be making a point of praising good behaviour, as hard as it may be when some days are more hectic than others. But in the end, it will pay off.