Alison Curtis: My mother is all I have thought about this week

It is 27 years since my mom Joan died. Keeping her spirit alive, telling stories about her to my daughter, also named Joan, is important for all of us

'This year I am sure, for most people, anything that is difficult to go through is a million times worse living under the stress of lockdown. Picture: Marc O'Sullivan

I lost my mom Joan on January 29, 1994, so tomorrow marks the 27th anniversary, which is so hard to believe. I know I have written about her a few times before here but today I want to dedicate my column to her because she’s really all I have thought about this week.

Some years I find easier around her anniversary and others are really tough. This year I am sure, for most people, anything that is difficult to go through is a million times worse living under the stress of lockdown and uncertainty, which is true for me this week.

One thing that has come up a lot for me this year is how I am going to keep my mother's memory alive for my daughter Joan.

When Joan was younger I would tell her stories about both her grandparents just so she would have some sort of idea that I once had a mom and dad too and how they are connected to her.

But as Joan gets older I want to really bring their personalities to life for her so she has a really good idea of who they were, almost to the point whereby she feels she knows them.

Lately I have been reaching deep into my mind and trying so hard to retrieve memories of her that I can bring to life for Joan.

I’ve told Joan about how my mother loved to laugh, how she was really very shy, and how her generosity knew no bounds.

How she was a bit of a shopper just like her namesake, her favourite colour was grey, she loved playing cards and her sisters were her best friends. 

I always tell Joan how mom was so kind and an incredible listener. That she was quiet in large groups but shone with those closest to her.

Recently I told Joan how mom was actually considered “old” getting married in the 1960s (to a younger man) at the age of 32. 

And how mom was so used to her independence that, in her own words, she had to be kicked down the aisle! I also add that mom was of course joking and that she and dad had been together for over ten years and very much in love getting married.

Mom used to keep a rainy day cupboard which she would stock with new toys and treats for those times when my twin and I were stuck indoors and all other measures of entertaining us had been exhausted. Joan really liked that idea.

Whenever I tease Joan, I am reminded of how mom was always joking and teasing us. When we were in secondary school and had learned to drive, often my friends would call over so we could all go out in our car. If it was at 7pm, my mom would look at all of us and, in a serious tone, say to be back by 7.30pm, then wait a second laugh and say “just kidding!”

Whenever I get really mad at Joan, I am stopped in my tracks of memories when mom lost her temper with me. As a parent I can now put myself both in Joan’s shoes and remember how terrible it felt to have your mother mad at you. I realise now with clarity how mom must have felt too.

As Joan gets older I have started to tell her the more serious things around mom. I’ve told Joan that mom did have depression and that she was at times in her life extremely anxious. I have been honest in saying it makes me sad that mom’s world was physically so small, that she barely left our hometown and that she had never had a passport.

I feel including this information will help Joan, as she matures, to gain a greater understanding of who her grandmother was as a whole.

As the years go on, I will continue to speak of mom, sometimes daily. I will continue to reach deep into my mind for those memories, good and bad. But most of all I will continue to tell Joan that I absolutely know that mom would have loved her more than anything.