Denis Lehane: The perfect job for a worn-out farmer

For those worn out after a spring of calving cows, lambing sheep and paying bills, I might have the perfect job lined up for you!

Word has reached my ear regarding an opportunity that exists, whereby all you need do is lie on your arse for two months and be handsomely rewarded for your trouble.

Indeed so handsomely that you may need to lie down when I give you the figure — €8,000 a month.

That’s right. Almost as much as you and I normally earn in a year. And you will have it for doing nothing more taxing than twiddling your thumbs.

The job is in France, so might I suggest before we go any further that you make sure your passport is in order, and if not, to rectify the situation immediately.

You don’t want to be stopped at the border and you having a date with the bed.

“But there must be some catch,” says you, “for there always is.”

Well there is no catch at all.

The only stipulation is that you have to remain lying down in France for two months and simply watch the money roll in.

It’s all to do with future space travel to Mars or someplace. The Institute for Space Medicine and Physiology in Toulouse, France, are the gang behind the venture and they are looking for 24 individuals to stay in bed for 60 days straight — without a break!

You must be a physically active, healthy, non-smoking male between the ages of 20 and 45 to qualify and I ask you, was there ever a job more suitable to the Irish farmer?

Scientists want to see how we react to large amounts of time spent in space, and instead of blasting a few people to the moon or someplace, they figure it’s much cheaper just to send them to bed.

Anyhow, it’s not my business to tell the French scientific community how daft their notions are, my business is in looking after the farmer, and right now a golden opportunity exists in France for the worn out farmer.

A job that many of us should be grasping with weather beaten hands.

Of course there will be a few experiments conducted on you while you’re lying on your arse. You might be fed a cocktail of drugs, including anti-inflammatories and antioxidant food supplements. You might get the odd needle in your bum or pinch in your arm.

But sure what’s all that? In comparison to the pain and suffering we endure on the farm on a daily basis, such things are about as inconsequential as a fly on the nose of a donkey. Laughable stuff, nothing more.

Over the 60 days, the main aim is that you must have at least one shoulder in contact with the mattress at all times. Which shouldn’t be too difficult.

And more laughable than anything I’ve already mentioned before is a comment made by a lad who was employed to do a similar task a couple of years ago.

In 2014, NASA paid a group to do the very same thing and one man who took part documented the headaches, boredom, and severe backaches he suffered during the period.

Well I’m telling you, no hard working farmer would have the same complaints, we’d be too busy snoring.

So go on, apply for the job, I can see you are worn out enough for it. Tell them in France that you read about it here on this paper and get all the rest you deserve.