Lighten up! — Auld Lehane’s 21 years of Farming fun
Denis Lehane's first 'Farm Exam' back in 2005.
21 years ago this very week, something very special happened in Irish farming.
And no, it wasn't the arrival of the first Single Farm Payment, nor was it the year the Bull McCabe got the field.
It was the year that auld Lehane began writing his 'Lighten Up!' column for the .
2005 was the year that the valve on the slurry tanker of my writing career was swung open.
And thankfully the valve hasn't been forced shut since.
21 years of cattle, crops and chaos. My warts and all take on farming life.
And 21 years later, the Lighten Up story continues. The warts are gone, but the man remains.
Older, wiser, lamer, greyer, balder, blinder, deafer, but still as steady as a rock.
A martyr to the cause.
And while some people might think that 21 years is an awful long time to be writing about your farming life, it isn't really.
For me, it's been a mere flash in the pan.
Anyhow, to mark the anniversary in style, later this week Trump himself has promised to send over a few fighter jets to do a low flyover across the farm, in my honour.
"So long as they are not too low," I warned, "and don't frighten the cattle."
He assured me that they won't.
Hollywood too has been in touch with a fellow high up in the Hollywood hills saying, "We've made films about geniuses like Oppenheimer, we've made films about warriors like Odysseus, it's high time we made a very long film about a real genius and warrior, namely the West Cork farmer, Auld Lehane."
Thank you, Hollywood, and I look forward to the Oscars.
Brendan Gleeson is said to be biting at the bit to play the part of Auld Lehane.
And more luck to him.
Bono too has been in contact, saying that I was right up there with himself.
And the French have also gotten involved, with President Macron offering to hold a parade down the Champs Élysées to mark the anniversary of my Lighten Up column.
"It's too much, Mr President," says I.
"Au contraire!" says he.
"It won't be as large as Bastille day, but it won't be far behind either," he assured me.
Merci beaucoup.
And as for our own president, well, she hasn't forgotten about me either.
The president herself has invited me for tea at the Áras, alongside Michael Flatley.
I'm not sure what day it's on, for the invite has become lost in a mountain of bills, and I'm not sure why Flatley is going too.
I guess he'll dance a jig or something, in my honour.
Regardless, the invitation is there in a bundle of letters at the bottom of the table and I'll get to it in due course.
Also, I believe an astronaut on board the International Space Station (a fan) will read a particularly funny Lighten Up! column of mine up there in space at around super time next Tuesday evening.
But besides all that, there is very little happening to mark the occasion, as I prefer to keep a low profile.
I'm not one given to self-promotion.
I do my job on the farming paper; I write my weekly column, what more of it?
"I have done the State some service, and they know 't. No more of that."
I prefer to keep the humble head down and be dealing with blood scour in calves and mastitis in cows.
And if the world and beyond wishes to celebrate my 21 years of Lighten Up!, well, more luck to them.
I'm just glad to still be here after 21 years, bluffing away all the time.
And with the throttle open fully, I'm only mad for more road.
