Lighten Up: A calving camera could save Oireachtas TV

There is a prevailing fear that Oireachtas news (at bedtime) could go the way of Bosco and Wanderly Wagon, writes Denis in this week's Lighten Up

Denis reckons a few second-hand calving cameras could save Oireachtas TV.

Years ago, I used to watch this late-night programme on television called Oireachtas Report.

Yerra, it was the greatest show of all time. It came on just before bedtime and was directly from the Dáil chamber.

It was a rehash of the day's activities, and it could put a fellow to sleep in record time.

Oireachtas Report was nothing short of a first-class lullaby for adults who needed sleep badly.

And I was very thankful to Oireachtas Report when I lived on my own for, back then, I had nothing only a bawling donkey outside the window for company. But times change, I managed to find a wife, and now, with a large family, sleeping is no longer an issue!

Exhausted and worn out, I go straight to bed every night and no longer require a rambling politician to get me there. But just because I'm alright Jack, that doesn't mean the next man is OK. The next man is suffering badly.

With the widespread use of mobile phones and all the rubbish that goes along with them, we are living in a country full of insomniacs.

Fellows with irritated eyes and irritated minds. Fellows who can't fall asleep without a good dose of something like Oireachtas Report.

And so, if it were to disappear from our television screens, I would fear for the sanity of the nation.

Anyhow, news reached my ears last week that Oireachtas TV as a whole might be in trouble.

The people who film the thing are no longer interested in doing so, and so now there is a prevailing fear that Oireachtas news (at bedtime) could go the way of Bosco and Wanderly Wagon. Perish the thought!

'A right disaster'

In other words, it could be tossed into an old wheelbarrow the way yesterday's programmes usually are. Tossed out like yesterday's wet and soggy calf bed.

"That would be a right disaster!" you might cry from your isolated outpost. And yes, it would be.

Oireachtas TV cannot be cancelled; I won't stand for it (I'd prefer to lie down for it, actually)!

It won't be canned like poor-quality horse meat. Not on my watch! No way, baby. A solution must be found.

One way I firmly believe that it could be saved, that it could be salvaged from the dumpster, is by the introduction of a calving camera.

Simply put, if a few good second-hand calving cameras were placed here and there throughout the Dáil (and perhaps one in the Dáil bar just to spice things up a little), I feel there could be the very same thing recorded, only without half the cost and without half the fuss.

These yokes have served dairy farmers well for generations, and I don't see why the same farming technology could not be used in the Dáil chamber.

If you ask me, there is very little difference between what happens in the Dáil and what happens in a calving pen. 

What I mean to say is, for the vast majority of the time, nothing really happens, but then every so often, a bit of bellowing can be heard

In the springtime, of course, the cameras would need to be returned to the farmers and their rightful place, but for the remainder of the year, they could be perched in the Dáil, giving politicians more coverage than they could possibly need.

And sure then, the powers that be could always play repeats for their TV audience when the cameras are unavailable. Sure, with the height of restlessness, who would know the difference?

Oireachtas TV has to be saved, and we just need to put our heads together to find a solution. Your night's sleep will be salvaged.

When it comes to television, it's always just a question of thinking outside the box. Save Oireachtas TV, if only for the insomniacs.