Denis Lehane: RTÉ heads to the country

It all went wrong when RTÉ turned its back on 'Glenroe', writes Farming columnist Denis Lehane.

RTÉ, as you well know, has been for years under the misguided belief that it was delivering top class entertainment to the masses, writes Farming columnist Denis Lehane

When the going gets tough, the tough usually head for the country. They head for the hills.

And this is exactly what RTÉ is currently planning to do, as far as I can tell. And I am all for it.

RTÉ should have left Dublin years ago.

Now, the finer details of the new RTÉ plan have yet to be worked out. However, as far as I'm aware, from the start of next week, most of the staff in RTÉ will be loaned out to farmers in need of help during the back end of the year.

Stronger types, fellows with muscles and so on, will help bring in the hay and squeeze weanling bulls for the busy mart season — which is all but here.

The weaker articles will be lined up to pick stones and help with menial jobs around the yard.

It's all part of a five-year plan that RTÉ is currently undertaking in order to get staff back down to earth, from the heights (the absolute stratosphere) that some believed they were soaring at.

RTÉ, as you well know, has been for years under the misguided belief that it was delivering top class entertainment to the masses.

Like a terribly vigorous yet deplorably underperforming bull, RTÉ had all the right moves but none of the results. Without wanting to be crude, RTÉ was firing blanks like nobody's business.

It had chat shows with hosts that nobody really liked and soaps that nobody could really stand.

Fair City, to me, is like a calf with three legs. 

I have great sympathy for the thing, but I know in my heart and soul that it is useless

If Fair City was a bucket, it would be the one with the hole in the bottom — the one you foolishly still use to feed the calves because it's always been there.

Sure, it can still be filled with milk replacer and hot water, but by the time you reach the calves, most of it has already gone down the side of your leg.

If you ask me, it's a big investment with precious little in return. And even if you don't ask me, I'll tell you the same thing. Fair City is a soap that is unable to foam.

Fair City is well-meaning, but alas, like a sow with no tail or a horse with three ears, it's just not right. It's hard on the eyes, and that's the best thing I can say about it.

Glenroe was RTÉ's greatest gift to the world, but alas, like a fool and his money, RTÉ became captivated with the bright lights and the fancy talk of the city.

Denny and his soiled eggs, Miley and his misshapen mushrooms gave way to God knows what

The organisation turned its back on Glenroe,it turned its back on the people of rural Ireland.

It went off dancing with a weedy fellow with slicked-back hair and a smell of shoe polish. Oh, how he romanced RTÉ, alright.

Well, now the dance is over, the dream is over, and who is here to drive a broken-hearted RTÉ home? Only RTÉ's old pal, rural Ireland ... that dependent, ever-loyal friend — the fellow with the poor haircut and the hand-me-down suit.

The fellow who may not be all that flashy or smart, but the fellow who never filled your head with nonsense either.

Rural Ireland is like the person RTÉ left behind a long time ago, but who is now the very one RTÉ so badly needs to make things all right again.

Welcome home, RTÉ; I'll put the kettle on.