The Lord Grantham of Irish farming
Denis can see himself in Dowth Hall holding a glass of brandy and cracking a hunting whip off the side of his leg.
It will come as no surprise to anyone to hear that I am at present very flush with money.
My recent success at Macroom mart (where I sold three bullocks), combined with the selling of 12 half-eaten round bales to a neighbour in need, have left me rich beyond my wildest dreams.
I'm like Rockefeller entirely now at this stage. I have money to burn.
If I get any wealthier, my britches will burst. And so, with my pockets jingling wherever I roam, I am only looking for an excuse to spend, and spend big.
Well, luckily for me, an opportunity to spend wildly has presented itself.
While perusing through a copy of this very paper the other evening, I spotted the very thing to tickle my fancy.
The perfect investment opportunity for a high roller such as myself
I spotted a farm for sale. But not any old broken-down place.
No, only a vibrant spot simply gagging for a big money splash
If truth be told, it's one of the nicest holdings I have come across in my 53 years as a farmer.
A farm, nay, an estate that would be the envy of all, and I would be the greatest fool of all if I let the opportunity slip through my fingers.
The location is Co Meath. But don't let that put you off. I can still visit on occasions when my farming chores haven't me weighed down.
It's more than a farm, as I keep trying to stress; it stretches to well over 500 acres and with a couple of houses on the property, thrown in for good measure, it's ideal really for an affluent man seeking a fresh start.
The place is called Dowth Hall Estate, but let there be no doubt about it, a bid I will throw.
I read that it is fenced off and laid out perfectly. All the hard work has been done!
Ideal really for keeping cast ewes or pigs, or whatever takes your fancy.
But more importantly, again, ideal ground to turn a few bob.
For while Dowth Hall Estate might be perfect for me in so many ways, there is one small problem, namely the price tag.
You see, while I might have proclaimed earlier that I am presently sitting on a small fortune, alas, a small fortune is what it is.
The purchase of Dowth Hall can only be done with deep pockets, and at present, my pockets only go so far.
In layman's terms, it would take more than the sale of three bullocks and a dozen half-eaten round bales to secure.
With an asking price of €10m, the purchase would put manners on King Solomon himself.
But as ever, I won't let money get in the way of a good time.
And sure, isn't that why we have banks in this country? Haven't they been giving money to every class of a yahoo for years? I should have no problem.
And with my rugged, yet charming way, I'll convince somebody to trim a little of the price tag, too, before I sign the dotted line.
This estate in Co Meath has my name written all over it. I can see myself now in Dowth Hall manor holding a glass of brandy and cracking a hunting whip off the side of my leg. I'd be like Lord Grantham entirely.
And to top it all, there's an airstrip too on the estate, which comes with the deal.
Can you imagine having a farm with an airport combined?
Even Michael O'Leary doesn't have that!
Not only would I be able to sell my cheap bullocks, and ship them to any part of the world, but I could sell cheap airline tickets too!
I'll be on the pig's back in no time. For with land like this, the only way is up.
