Denis Lehane: Rumours of a royal visit had me in a spin

'What's the point of paying out good money for a new round feeder, when an old one can be repaired?' I would have said as the royal party climbed over a rusty gate to admire my handiwork, writes Denis Lehane

Prince Charles at the calving shed on Shane Fitzgerald’s farm in March. Picture: Julien Behal

There was a strong rumour last week that Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles might be altering their Irish visit to spend a little more time in Cork county.

The rumour mill had it that Camilla Parker-Bowles was a big fan of road bowling and wanted to see some action, and also that Charles was a big fan of my farming.

Now while 'twas only a rumour, sure you couldn't be sure of anything in these strange times. So I got to work and prepared the old farm for a potential royal visit.

I did the best I could, given the short notice.

For starters, I got rid of any old fertiliser bags I had thrown about the place as I understand Charles is a class of an organic farmer.

Next, I cleaned out the old stall where I used to milk my dozen cows all those years ago.

In those glory days, before I foolishly turned my back on the pap and the milk cluster.

I did this with the assistance of a wheelbarrow and a four-pronged pike.

Yerra, my milking system wasn't great, but Charles, I'm sure, wouldn't mind, for he's fond of the old ways and traditions.

Anyhow, I decided to clean out the cow house, for the last thing I needed was for the Prince of Wales to land his royal shoe into something unmentionable.

"I'm all for manure," he might jokingly say, after putting his foot in it, "but not when it's stuck to my boot."

Anyhow, with my wheelbarrow full, I returned to the house and insisted that the best china be taken down, dusted off, and laid out on the table in case the royals wished for a cup of tea.

And after that, well there was little else to do only to sit down myself and enjoy a cup, as I waited for the royal party to descend upon the place. I waited and I waited. 

Alas, they never showed up. The rumours were false. 

Charles never did saunter up the lane, and more's the pity, for I would have dearly loved to show him the round feeder I recently repaired.

"What's the point of paying out good money for a new round feeder, when an old one can be repaired?" I would have said as the royal party climbed over a rusty gate to admire my handiwork.

And then the Prince of Wales, I imagine, would probably enquire as to the value I place on a good working round feeder.

"It’s worth its weight in gold, your Lordship," I would respond, raising my cap and bowing my head.

Grab a fine fist of silage

Then with the greatest of respect for all present, I would urge one and all to grab a fine fist of silage from the round feeder and give it a right good smell.

"Tell me if it isn't the finest bit of silage you ever held up to your nostrils?" I would brag.

My silage this year is superb — it's top class.

It would have been the perfect time for the Prince of Wales to call, for things have never been so well tuned.

Alas, it wasn't to be, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles went elsewhere for their kicks.

But let me assure them, they are most welcome to call here next time they are passing.

All I would say is just give me a little notice beforehand.

There would be no point in having a royal visit on this farm and me down in the Co-op or upstairs in bed.

As with all royal visits, the key to success is planning ahead.