Can Phil be EU pantomime dame?

Phil Hogan would be the right man for the job, if only he was a woman. It’s as simple as that.

Can Phil be EU pantomime dame?

Phil Hogan would be the right man for the job, if only he was a woman. It’s as simple as that.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if Big Phil would have been better off had he stayed at home with us, having the craic.

Phil Hogan
Phil Hogan

His old Mercosur deal is about as popular as diarrhoea, and now the very seat he sits on in Brussels is under pressure.

Incoming (at least, she was early this week) EU Commission President Ms Ursula von der Leyen has stated she’d prefer if the likes of Phil was a woman. I ask you, can the man get anything right?

There are too many men around the place, Ursula believes... and I wholeheartedly agree. I’d love to see more women everywhere. In the home, at mass, at the dog track, down the pub. The world is crying out for more women. I’m crying out for more women.

The lady is spot on. The more women, the merrier, as far as I’m concerned.

Anyhow, she’s not one bit happy that Phil is only a man, and Big Phil is not one bit happy that Ms von der Leyen is not happy.

Phil says he won’t be jumping through any ‘gender hoops’ to get a job.

But nobody wants Phil to jump through hoops for the job. It’s not a circus performer they are looking for. It’s not a monkey we need in Brussels, it’s a woman.

Ursula Von Der Leyen and Angela Merkel
Ursula Von Der Leyen and Angela Merkel

Phil needs to get that straight first, or else we are doomed.

The way I see it, in order to get the job, Big Phil needs to come some way to meet Ms von der Leyen.

I know he’s not a woman, but could he not, perhaps, slip into a flowery gown, toss on a wig for a spell and hang a handbag off his arm? Just to keep the press happy, and Ms von der Leyen onside.

Billa O’Connell in Cork did it for years on stage, playing the dame. Billa was brilliant, he’d crack up audiences far and wide. Billa was the star of the show, and it could be the same for Phil.

It’s not that we’re asking Phil to dress up like Danny La Rue. It’s not all about the glitz and glamour, but some effort must surely be made.

Leo has pushed Phil’s name forward to continue as an EU Commissioner, and nobody else, so it’s not as if we have any options.

I once saw a film in which this fellow dressed up as a woman, and not only did he fool everyone left right and centre, he fooled his own family by getting a job as a nanny in his own home.

Honestly, you couldn’t make it up.

“Ah, Mrs Doubtfire,” they used to say, “but you are the greatest woman in the world,” or words to that effect. For she was, even though she was a man.

Better again, being Mrs Doubtfire gave her the opportunity to see all the mistakes she had been making as a man, and as Mrs Doubtfire, she was able to rectify them.

In Big Phil’s case, if he was dressed as a woman, he could then see sense regarding the Mercosur deal, and rewrite the whole thing to make it work for the farmers of Europe.

The only misfortune suffered by Mrs Doubtfire in the movie was that her fake breasts caught fire. I’m not sure how this happened, I may have fallen asleep in front of the TV.

But the children’s laughter woke me, so I presume it was nothing too sinister

Maybe it’s something Big Phil should look into before dressing up.

But I think Phil would be the best man for the job, if only he was a woman.

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