Cormac MacConnell: Time to build a wall to keep out the Dubliners

Some of you will scoff and laugh at me today as you read this, and say MacConnell has clearly gone totally mad, at the start of one year too many.
Cormac MacConnell: Time to build a wall to keep out the Dubliners

That is your right, of course.

On the other hand, it is an amazingly pure truth, that a man who adopted the same tactics as I am bravely adopting today, is about a week away from becoming the most powerful man in the world.

They laughed at him too, when he began his unusual route to power, but by god, they aren’t laughing now.

Allowing for a different geography to his, I hereby state clearly I am adopting exactly the same tactics as he did, as I begin my campaign to Make Rural Ireland Great Again, and to radically overhaul a political system which, while it might benefit the capital, is playing puck with rural Ireland, in all the provinces.

Firstly, I promise that I will order that a huge wall be built around Dublin City and its suburbs. This will seal us decent and highly pressured provincial folk off from the murderers and drug barons and robbers and rapists from Dublin who have been creating such havoc among us for decades now.

No associate of gangs like the Kinahans or the Hutches or others will be able to raid down the country again on a nightly basis, as they have been doing for decades.

Security will be watertight at my Dublin wall.

Any mobster or drug dealer who does manage to get to our side of the wall will speedily be issued with a one-way ticket to the highest point of the Cliffs of Moher. Need I say more?

Furthermore, the wall will not cost us country taxpayers one penny. It will be paid for totally by Dublin City Council and Dublin County Council.

They will protest, and each time they do, I will direct the wall be built three feet higher. That will soon bring them to their senses. We need not be concerned about hardline loyalists from the North crossing the border to cause trouble among us either.

The Brexit fiasco will seal the old border as tight as the rear end of a springtime herring.

If I am following the American template to the limit, it is necessary for me to state here, dear brothers and rural sisters, that I love all of you to bits. I love Hackballscross just as totally as I love Effin in Limerick, and Strokestown in Roscommon. I even love the Drombeggars of west Clare, and every last man, woman and child in Mayo. And Cavan.

I love Dowra on a rainy day, Kilkenny and Carlow, Clonakilty any day of the week.

Even Gort and Mullinahone, and Ardmore in Waterford and Fermoy in February, and Bundoran on a soaking June Sunday afternoon.

I state this love as it seems to be an essential element of the original American template which I am adopting totally in this drive to Make Rural Ireland Great Again.

The scoffing will rapidly disappear when ye hear that, once my crusade has developed into a movement of the plain people, and I gain power, that my first executive order from the Áras will be to dissolve the Dáil, which has so mismanaged us for too long.

It is the cosseted men and women in this talking shop who have feathered their own nests at the expense of rural Ireland. They do not know how to make deals which benefit country people at all.

They have presided over the continuing cruel export of our most precious national resource, our bright and highly educated youth. Only those of that talented generation who can secure work in Dublin now remain in Ireland. The rest have been thrown to the four corners of the world.

I will do things different when I am in power, with your help. I will bring all of them back to their own home parishes and villages, by making Apple (and the other global giants to whom our politicians offered sweetheart deals) pay through the nose for every new rural factory and housing estate. And that is the pure truth. once more.

It is also a part of the powerful new plan I am following that I avoid any conflict of interest issues when I become the next president. I hereby promise I will divest myself of all my many business interests. I will no longer, for example, write these words of wisdom for this paper or any other, though that will cut me to the bone.

It is also necessary that I surround myself, once in power, with my beloved wife and adult children. They will form my inner circle, together with a very old friend whose identity I will reveal shortly on Twitter, but who is already known to many of you as The Mad Bull. I will say no more. But I will keep my word.

And, as I stated above, I love you all, every minute of every hour of every day.

Apart from the segment of Dublin mentioned earlier. I will ensure that the new rural Ireland will be humming with super-fast broadband connections inside my first year in power, and all immigrants from any foreign land will be warmly welcomed.

This is because we need an infusion of new blood into our genetic cargo, because at the moment, we are all distant cousins to some degree and that is not good.

Also our immigrants, for the most part, still know how to smile and look happy, even when they are working harder than any of us work today.

Already, dear brothers and sisters, I feel the stirrings of the beginning of our joint movement to Make Rural Ireland Great Again.

I will keep all of you posted on Twitter on all developments. In the meantime, know that I love you all...

More in this section

Farming
Newsletter

Keep up-to-date with all the latest developments in Farming with our weekly newsletter

Sign up
Revoiced
Newsletter

Our Covid-free newsletter brings together some of the best bits from irishexaminer.com, as chosen by our editor, direct to your inbox every Monday.

Sign up