Santa tanks up for grotto arrival

THERE was fierce excitement last week at the Snugabheen Shopping Mall and Hospital, when Santa arrived at his grotto.

Every year, the great man’s mode of transport reflects the year we have had (on the international political front).

For instance, during the fuel crisis, he arrived on a bike, last year in a cardboard mock up of a Ryanair plane (Ryanair has since purchased it as their flagship craft).

This year was special, bearing in mind that we had the second Gulf War and numerous other conflicts, the organisers opted for a sensitive touch, and Santa’s sleigh was pulled by a giant Sherman tank.

The kids loved it, especially when they fired off some live rounds to whip up the crowds. Older observers noted it was like the time the Murphy twins imposed martial law on the town.

Before settling into his grotto, Santa had to open Matt Black’s Toy and Gun Emporium. Matt is, of course, well known to generations of children for his unique toys.

For years, he specialised in barbed wire toys for tots, but recently, after some intense therapy, and the arrival of his first child, Jet, Matt has moved on to farm toys, as he explained to our toy reporter, Barbie Flynn.

“When I was a child, everyone had a farm set, it was probably the most popular toy round here, after Action Priest. Now it’s all technology and urban shite, like skateboards and clothes, stuff we never bothered with.”

In an effort to bring farm toys into the 21st century, Matt is making farm toys that reflect the change in farming practices over the years.

“I am making it real,” says Matt, proudly showing off his patented Chicken Wire Farm. This is a scale model replica of a chicken farm, made of durable chicken wire and wood. It is almost a solid block of tiny, tiny wire cages, complete with tiny chickens crammed inside.”

Matt expects this to be a big seller amongst kids tired of nice toys, looking for something a bit different. Which is why he expects the fat sow with no legs, locked in a cage feeding 16 bonhams, to be popular, along with the veal calve with detachable heads and offal which you can remove with the attached special spoon.

Move over, cabbage patch dolls. Matt also has a doll, but made with cabbages and Brussels sprouts.