Ask Audrey: C’mere what’s the story with thinking that Limerick do be nearly as good a

Got a dilemma? No problem! Ask Audrey has all the answers.

I’m bringing my mother up to see the Pope in Dublin, because she’s due to snuff it any one of these days and her house on the Blackrock Road in Cork is worth €1.6 million. (Viewing strictly by appointment, I’ll let you know when she dies. We’ll put a link to the Examiner’s property pages on the death notice as well.) My problem is you can be sure the Phoenix Park will be heaving with lower order types, praying to Jesus that they win the EuroMillions so they can move to Blackrock. Do you know if there is a VIP section in the Phoenix Park and how would I get in there?

– Monica, Douglas.

My cousin is a nun. (I know. Imagine.) I asked her if there’s a place for anyone who wants to steer clear of the great unwashed. She said I’m sure they’ll have a spot for the bishops. I said Monica and her mother are bound to stick out in there. She said they will, but you can’t beat the Irish hierarchy when it comes to ignoring a problem and hoping it will go away. #Controversial.

C’mere what’s the story with thinking that Limerick do be nearly as good as Cork? I was watching the match on Sunday with my buddies Fanta and Farty John and like, by the end, the three of us were begging the ref to blow the final whistle. When he did we were all too embarrassed to talk about what just happened, because one of the great things about living in Cork is no matter how bad things get, at least you’re not from Limerick. But now, I’m not so sure. Do you think I need counselling?

– Proud Paul, Togher, everyone do love Limerick all of a sudden.

It’s nauseating isn’t it? Two things occurred to me when I was watching the Limerick players being interviewed after the match. The first was they’re going to have to get the manager to buy them drink later on, because they’re all only 14. The second was that most of them are only two elocution lessons away from sounding like they are from Cork. Anyway, don’t worry about thinking that Limerick is on a par with Cork — it’s nothing that can’t be cured by a couple of hours in Kilfinane.

Hello old stock. My wife Marjorie read a thing during the week that said people on average earnings can no longer afford to buy or rent a place in Kinsale. She said that sounds fantastic, let’s go and live there. I see her point to be honest, now that jumped- up salesmen from Apple can afford the deposit on a place in Blackrock. (Hoggy’s new neighbour can’t tell his port from his starboard!) The downside is that Kinsale has been very good to me in terms of the lovely ladies, but I’ll have to pare that back with Marjorie nosing around town. Where would be another good hunting ground for Hoggy and myself?

– Reggie, Blackrock, I’ve heard great things about Clonakilty.

So have I. One of the best is that you and Hoggy tend to stick to Kinsale. I asked my single friend, Desperate Debs, where do women like her go to find a dog in his 50s with a beer belly. (No offence.) She said Tinder, where he’ll describe himself as a 23-year-old David Beckham. Desperate Debs, she’s had no luck with men.

How’re oo’ goin on? We have a French couple staying with us below in the B&B, very nice people altogether, if you like the smell of garlic. Anyway, didn’t I walk out the back door yesterday afternoon to find the French woman sunbathing topless out on our lawn. I need to get her to stop because if word gets out there will be a queue of cars coming out from Dunmanway and it can be a right hoor trying to turn at the top of our lane. How can I tell her we like our boobs covered up in West Cork?

– Dan Paddy Andy, head out towards Drimoleague until you see a man muttering “look her in the face, look her in the face”.

I have very good friend from Paris, Petit Pierre. (Don’t ask.) I said what’s the best way to broach an awkward situation with a woman from France. He said try a few words of French. I said this man is from west of Dunmanway, he can barely manage a few words of English. (No offence.)

Bonjour. I am currently staying in a B&B outside Dunmanway with my estranged husband. (It’s complicated.) The owner of this B&B Dan Paddy Andy is a handsome man with sexy hands and I have been trying to subtly flirt with him by lying on his lawn with my top off, but he just says how’re oo’ goin’ on and runs away. Please help.

– Marie-Anne, Lyons.

Put your top back on, he’s embarrassed about what the neighbours might think. My guess is he’s torn between looking like a right tit and looking at it, if you ‘comprendre’ my drift.