Ask Audrey: Where's the best place for an influencer to spend 6 months? Prison

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Dia atá tu? We’re scrambling like mad on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Definitely Would, If Donnchadh Ó Laoghaire Was Up For It. Laura_OohAahUpTheRCYC (she was Laura_InStMoritz last week) is after ordering a giant tricolour for her manicured front garden, while Dee_Patriotic wants to know if we should tell Sinn Féin that Zoe_2HousesinCrook is a protestant.

My problem is, we put my son, Roderick, down for an Educate Together when he was born, two years ago, and Gaelscoil was just for Norries and Provos. But it’s a world nua now, and I’m afraid he’ll be put at a disadvantage if he doesn’t learn Irish. Do you have any bit of pull with a Gaelscoil, on the southside, obvs?— Siobhán, Douglas Road, go raibh maith agat go léir.

My sister bailed out of medicine to become a primary school teacher. Our mother still cries herself to sleep at night, in Sunday’s Well, over it (you can actually hear her from the Mardyke). I said to the sister, ‘how would you get a posh child into Gaelscoil’? She said, by Range Rover. Is dócha.

How’re oo goin’ on. I normally steer clear of discussing my sex life in public, because there wouldn’t be much to discuss, unless herself has been to see Rod Stewart, up in Cork. That said, didn’t her auld libido soar during the election there and the count, because she has a fetish for sweaty bogmen being lifted shoulder high by their drunk cousins in a large hall.

To keep things ticking over on the bedroom front, I’ve, therefore, decided to launch my own party: it’s called West Cork People Who Want To Make it Clear to the Crowd Above in Dublin That We Are Not Related to Danny Healy Rae. Will you give me your number one, tell me? — Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway (my brother is running as well).

I asked my cousin, the scientist, about this. She said, don’t get hung-up on genetic differences, we share 99% of our DNA with the chimpanzees. I said, that’s an awful thing to call people from south Kerry.

Now, listen up, Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the Royal Family Management Committee, where we agreed to buy a fresh muzzle for Prince Andrew. (He’s quite the drooler.) Also on the agenda was the visit of Prince William and his missus to Ireland in early March. These bloody things are usually full of tension and dread, worrying that the royals will catch something off you spud-munching Micks.

Anyway, no such problem this time — coronavirus and all that; ready-made excuse — so I go to buy a couple of boxes of face masks, only to be told, no dice old chap, they’ve all been allocated to common types in China, quelle disgrace. So, I’m told you Micks have quite the sense of humour: what would you think of William and Kate arriving over there in balaclavas?— Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, London.

That’s actually a worse idea than a bridge across the Irish Sea. Certain women copy everything that Kate wears, as a sign they have an IQ in the single digits. The multinationals are nervy enough after the election; the last thing we need is thousands of people walking around in balaclavas.

So, I’m the leading social media influencer in the Western Europe, measured by the number of new cars in my drive. #ProudBrandAmbassador. I’m putting a massive extension on my house #CantAffordToMove #Messing #HumbleBragActually #Costing300Grand and need to rent a place for six months.

The only places available are in Lehenaghmore or Frankfield, AKA #TogherUpaHill. If word gets out that I’m living there, the other #InfluencerBitches in Cork will be all ‘You Ok Hun’ or ‘Keep going, the only way is up.’ Can you find me a place? I’ll give you a mention on Instagram — @yousowishlike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo.

My friend is an estate agent. His mission statement reads, ‘We will never take a lie detector test.’ I said, where’s the best place for an influencer to spend six months? He said, prison. #DoesntLikeYeOneBit

So, ya, full disclosure, there is a slide running to the underground swimming pool from every bedroom in my old man’s Bond villain mansion in Ballintemple, but that doesn’t stop me from shouting, “hey man, you’re as important as I am, in many ways,” when I fly past our postman on my top-of-the-range electric scooter.

Anyway, when I came down for breakfast this morning, the old man was screaming, “provo socialists in government, Ed, dirty dirty dirty,” and feeding letters from his bank in Jersey into his shredder. Bryan with Y told me his old man was at the EXACT same thing, so, like, is there a chance rich people will be forced to leave the country or, worse, move to Wilton?— Ed, Ballintemple, todally up the revolution ya, up to a point, like.

My friend is very high up in Sinn Féin. He totally loses the rag when I ask him if he ever robbed a bank. I said, what’s Sinn Fein’s priority now? He said, taking on the social media giants. I said, why? He said, to stop them sharing videos of our TDs singing IRA songs. #OooOaah