Physicist Hawking takes a swipe at ‘ballerina’ Suarez

World-renowned physicist Professor Stephen Hawking has taken a swipe at "ballerina" Luis Suarez after producing a formula to guarantee England World Cup success in Brazil.

The scientist, whose book A Brief History Of Time was a bestseller, analysed data from every tournament since 1966 — and the bad news is he reckons the heat, the altitude, and the distance from home could all scupper England’s chances.

But he thinks prospects for Roy Hodgson’s men will be improved if they get a European referee for their group stage match with Uruguay and their mercurial Liverpool striker Suarez because he reckons match officials from the northern hemisphere will be less sympathetic to his on-pitch dramatics.

Prof Hawking has also come up with “a formula for the perfect penalty” — because “as we say in science, England couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo”.

Setting out his analysis, which was commissioned by bookmakers Paddy Power, Prof Hawking said England’s chances of success could be worked out by examining “environmental, physiological, psychological, political, and tactical variables”.

He said: “Statistically England’s red kit is more successful and we should play 4-3-3 rather than 4-4-2. Psychologists in Germany found red makes teams feel more confident and can lead them to being perceived as more aggressive and dominant. Likewise, 4-3-3 is more positive so the team benefits for similar psychological reasons.

“The impact of environmental factors alone is quite staggering. A 5C rise in temperature reduces our chances of winning by 59%. We are twice as likely to win when playing below 500m above sea level. And our chances of winning improve by a third when kicking off at three o’clock local time.”

Prof Hawking also outlined his formula for taking penalties.

He said the key to success was a run-up of more than three steps and giving the ball “some welly”, but “velocity is nothing without placement”.

He said: “If only I had whispered this in Chris Waddle’s ear before he sent the ball into orbit in 1990. Use the side foot rather than laces and you are 10% more likely to score.”