Forget grand gestures: Secret of a happy marriage is a cuppa

Dancing with him in the living room, watching TV together and sipping a cuppa that he made all contribute to a happy marriage.

It is the little things that mean a lot, according to Jacqui Gabb, a senior lecturer in social policy at the Open University.

Ms Gabb led a study involving more than 5,000 people over two years which found that feeling loved was more important than hearing the three little words: I love you.

She told RTÉ’s John Murray that women, especially mothers, valued being brought a cup of tea by their partner. But, she said, it was not a case of women being asked if they preferred a cup of tea over sexual intimacy.

“I am sure they would not pick one over the other. We asked an open question — what makes you feel appreciated in a relationship and women were saying a cup of tea. It is that small, kind and thoughtful gesture.”

The study found that flowers and chocolates were important than the thoughtfulness behind the gesture.

Sharing the practicalities of household chores and/or responsibilities was something that particularly demonstrated appreciation and all participants valued the time and energy devoted to cooking.

However, the study found wide differences among middle-aged men and women. Women over 55 scored lowest on relationship satisfaction and men were three times more likely than women to mention sexual intimacy as making them feel appreciated.

Parenthood shaped relationship quality more than any other factor and mothers were happier than any other group.

Lesbian, gay and bisexual couples, especially younger people, were afraid to hold hands in public for fear of reprisal but were generally happier about the quality of their relationship and more likely to act spontaneously.

Money issues are one of the most difficult aspects of relationships but problems such as being out of work do appear to pull couples together.

Meanwhile, another study has found that couples with and without children rate their lives about the same, but globally children tend to diminish wellbeing.

The results were derived from two major surveys by Gallup which included almost three million people worldwide.

Parents reported more ups and downs than non-parents but when researchers took into account other attributes that parents tend to have — higher education, more income, better health and religious faith — they found similar levels of life satisfaction to non-parents.