TERRACE TALK: Liverpool - That sinking feeling Jurgen Klopp is just a rich man’s stooge

Football teams must defend; part two of a year-long series.

This is going to be easy. Every column this season sorted. The only work I really have to do is watch this team.

It’s tough admittedly, particularly on the hair I’ve got left continuously being pulled out. I’ll look like Lex Luthor by October.

All week, Alberto Moreno had been the story. Grabbing the headlines when your team just scored four goals and won at Arsenal is some achievement.

Gary Neville, Jamie Carragher, Steve Nicol; they’d all had a pop. A fair amount of full-backing experience there to make a reasonable assessment, surely?

Not for Jurgen, he takes no notice of anybody apparently. Good to know. As for Alberto, he was ignoring “the three or four critics”. Plucky, dude, but not sure you’ve got the decimal point right in that statement. There are as many zeroes missing in his claim as awful mistakes he’s made so far in 2016.

People knew Milner would be playing at Burnley anyway, while this barefaced panto was being acted out. This is how gullible and stupid we are.

One of the club’s owners said he puts all offers to buy LFC in the bin. A day later, after we’d lost to Burnley for the first time since Noah was a lad, guess what? There’s been a bid from China. What’s that, the fifth or sixth one now?

All week you could have written the script without access to papers or television. Star player gets injured in training; defender makes error (Clyne this time); home team scores, packs defence; Liverpool’s ‘mercurial’ players disappear; home team scores again out of nothing; everybody packs up, goes home, forget to tell Liverpool who huff and puff for another fruitless hour.

Virtually every opponent’s shot this season has gone in, Mignolet’s penalty save v Arsenal standing between the Reds and oblivion.

Klopp waffled on about 80% possession, like that was ever a thing. Coutinho was Floppy Phil this week, Firmino even worse. The defence? That song remains the same but it won’t need any money spending on it, honest. At some point, Klopp just becomes a rich man’s stooge if he keeps this up.

Being disappointed so early does allow you to get on with your life quicker. No need to look at the league table, none of that is going to be of any concern. No need to keep checking the internet or sports channels for news of incoming stars. There won’t be any.

The tickets have been sold, the TV money is banked, all sponsorship cash collected, virtually zero net-spend on transfers after Benteke ambled out as ineffectually as he ambled in. Ker-ching, you dimwits.

Welcome to the rest of your life. “Klopp won stuff in Germany without spending much money? Fantastic, get him in, they’ll lap that right up”.

I can feel the vibrations in Southport from all the head-shaking in Ireland right now; “lost one, have we?” etc. At the age of 57, you’d think I’d have a good handle on this disappointment lark, but it’s virtually impossible.

You do your best to stand clear of the optimism. It’s like a lit firework, knowing it will blow up in your face any second.

Agonising curiosity simply draws you in. “Y’know, maybe this one time I won’t get hur-” BOOM! Off to Accident & Emergency to pick bits of cardboard rocket out of your face. Season after season after season.

When are we going to learn? When are we going to accept that every few weeks this Liverpool team will give you some sort of thrill? They’ll make you think there’s more to them than a casual one-in-four performance rate and that maybe, just maybe…..

Then two minutes into the very next match, you’ll be staring wide-eyed and horrified at another set of fans bouncing up and down in delight while you quietly sigh and go “aaah, this again…”