Terrace Talk: Man United - Snoozefest raises more questions over LVG

Alex Ferguson’s United became famous for its last-minute dramas of one sort or another, so I daresay the nostalgic will have had their fill over the last week. Fellaini’s tie-saver against Bruges; Woodward’s deal-dropping misadventures in Barcelona; the gasp-inducing Thauvin failing to make anything of Cissé’s cross on Saturday... and what next in Bruges on Wednesday, one might fearfully ask?

If United are 2-0 down in Belgium as injury-time looms, how much faith would you have in LVG making the right call?

Judging by his decision-making before and during the dire snoozefest against Newcastle, one could understand you being less than confident.

I’m going to tempt fate by suggesting that not even the gloomiest of us would wager on us going out of Europe but be under no illusions: the natives are restless. If there’s one person who needs to pull a Fergusonian late surprise out of the bag, it’s Ed Woodward. No-one in the stadium on Saturday would have bought for a second the notion that United do not need anything more up front.

You’ll have seen some of the names being punted about in the press during the feverish few days following the Pedro fiasco: Bale, Lukaku, and Neymar were probably the pick of them (Neymar had many shaking their heads in outright disbelief). Mind you, I have no doubt that Little Ted will be doing his utmost to pull one of his famous rabbits out of the hat, just as he revelled in doing with Mata, and later Falcao.

That Rooney cannot be expected to carry on as he is has become obvious to all — bar Van Gaal, apparently. I note that some disgruntled Reds have started referring to Wayne online with the acronym ‘FSB’ (’Fat Scouse B*****d), which is not a good sign for the man once known in happier days as our ‘SFN’ (‘Spud Faced Nipper’; with apologies to Private Eye).

LVG’s persistence with his Rooney Rule contrasts sharply with what many regard as baffling treatment of Herrera, a lively, forward-thinking and imaginative box of tricks, now chiefly confined to counting blades of grass from the bench. If there is a method to Louis’ madness, some grumble, then it’s certainly proving to be hard to discern. We are slow, boring, and short of ideas, all things that Herrera is not.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Mancunian black humour always emerges at such times, and I did chuckle at the reply from one colleague when someone suggested it’d be convenient if the out-of-sorts Rooney picked up a suspension soon: “no chance: he’s too immobile to get near enough to anyone to kick them.” Admittedly, we’ve been here before with Wayne: slumps that have had the pitchforks out in force, only for him to be rescued by goal-drenched purple patches. But the mood is different now.

Many Reds no longer seem to wish the best for Rooney. In the past, that sentiment being detected has acted as a canary down the mine, signalling a player may be heading towards divorce from us.

Nil desperandum, though: we still have cards to play, and the money to back them. The window doesn’t close until next week, by which time United may be securely into the proper European Cup, and top of the league too, with all that this entails in terms of attracting players to sign up. Objectively viewed, that constitutes a largely successful start to the season, results-wise, especially given the number of new players we have had to bed in.

But this is United: we have different standards. A different philosophy, if you will — if that’s the only kind of language LVG understands. And if Louis seriously believes Saturday was a performance he was entitled to praise, then he needs to be wised-up fast. Nine more months of that won’t do. We don’t need a Dutch Dave Sexton, thanks.