I’m a footballer, get me out of here

ET tu Bruton,” as Don Fabio might have said to JT.

Yes, Eng-er-land seem to have taken lessons from the Irish political scene, to judge by John Terry’s ham-fisted attempt at a palace coup. In fact, the team’s erstwhile Minister for Defence wasn’t even as comparatively well-prepared as not-so-Tricky Dicky since he forgot to bring key members of his own front bench with him. Having been stripped of the captaincy by the man he sought to challenge, Terry has now stripped himself of whatever remained of his credibility as a leader.

But the Fine Gael comparisons don’t end there. Fabio Capello might have won the battle but, like Enda Kenny, he has hardly boosted his share of the popular vote by presiding over a period of unprecedented turbulence in the camp, even by England’s heady standards in the field of big tournament self-destruction. Yes, that nice Frankie Lampard has come out and expressed confidence in the boss and, yes, the Italian nominally remains at the helm – but that will all come to a shuddering halt if, against Slovenia, England can’t suddenly put right the myriad wrongs of the past week. As they say, this is now the only poll that counts.

And the omens look bleak. Nothing Capello might do at this stage will make a shred of difference if the players don’t stop behaving like unwilling contestants in ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here’, with their desolate World Cup camp cast as the unforgiving jungle and the task of passing to a team-mate seemingly more repellent than eating a fistful of bugs.

For sure, the Italian is under pressure to inspire but the real weight of responsibility now rests on the shoulders of proven match-winners who seemed to have lost all sense of self-belief and purpose against Algeria.

Contrary to the myth of the ‘Golden Generation’ – a spin which flows naturally from the relentless hyping of the Premiership – England rely on just a couple of players who are truly capable of turning base metal into gold.

Steven Gerrard is one, but his World Cup to date has been like a madly condensed version of his career at Anfield. For a brief period against the US, he looked set to take the game and perhaps even the tournament by storm.

But by the time he took the pitch against Algeria, he had reverted to the Gerrard who ended the season with Liverpool performing with all the joie de vivre of someone in the throes of deep depression.

The other game-changer in the English ranks is, of course, Wayne Rooney. But the player who turned up in South Africa has been unrecognisable as the force of nature who, just a few short months ago, was being legitimately touted as Lionel Messi’s main rival as the world’s greatest footballer.

Whether the cause is the lingering effect of injury or fatigue at the end of a long season, Rooney’s performance against Algeria was so inept as to actually warrant substitution in my opinion, his public annoyance at the supporters’ ire following the final whistle merely a deflection of the raging frustration he must have been feeling with himself.

Just about the only break which has gone England’s way thus far has come courtesy of that other party in total disarray, Les Blueshirts ensuring that their old enemies can’t claim exclusive copyright on the words farce and fiasco.

The French implosion has been a long time coming, although not even the most wildly apocalyptic scenario could have envisioned them blowing up so spectacularly.

The consensus view is their troubles hark back to their dismal showing at Euro 2008 but Raymond Domenech was already a lame duck gaffer two years’ earlier when only Zinedine Zidane belatedly agreeing to answer a nation’s call to arms gave the French a cause to follow at the last World Cup. Now, the national team are reduced to finding unity of purpose in backing a player who was sent home for directing an f-word, other than farce and fiasco, at the hapless coach.

It might be worth reflecting that, ‘Hand of Gaul’ notwithstanding, Ireland failed to beat the ‘laughing stock of the world’ over 180 minutes. And, while we’re at it, over another 180 minutes, also failed to beat an Italian side held to a draw by New Zealand.

Still, as ever, we stand by, ready to save the World Cup. France’s refusal to train might have been in keeping with their go-slow on the pitch but should they intensify their industrial action, I’m sure the FAI would be happy to settle for that fall-back 32nd place.

I mean, if the FA can find a role for David Beckham in South Africa, surely FIFA can still find a place for us?