Trap fails again to catch the Skinny Rat

WITH The Strapping Bull gone to his eternal, er, reward, we came to the couch last night concerned for The Skinny Rat.

Unlike The Bull, or indeed Ireland for most of last night’s clash, this rat was able to navigate his way out of the corner with some stealth.

But it was good while it lasted, the full eight minutes of suspense from the 6.30pm programme start. Until then, John Giles and Graeme Souness had tapped it around. With some style, Souness swatted away a question about how fringe players would react to being given a chance to stake a claim: “I don’t know, because I wasn’t one of those, fortunately enough.”

Eventually, Billo rolled the ball out to Dunphy. We would surely get poison following Stephen Hunt’s skinny rat outburst. Instead, we got sawdust.

“He did well on Saturday night when he came on,” enthused Dunphy, “got the free-kick that led to the goal, took the free kick and delivered it.”

More of same: “Very lively, in-your-face type of player.”

Then, to put a full stop at the end of the whole affair, “he’s getting a job in Rentokil.”

And, at half-time: “The one person who has been impressive has been Stephen Hunt.”

Yes, it was that kind of night. The producer struck gold when he diverted the camera to the Irish bench and found Keith Andrews yawning.

However drab the on-field fare, though, it was at least 10 times less engaging in the studio. Souness worried beforehand for Ireland. He shocked us with the revelation that “everyone in that part of the world, the old Yugoslavia, are all brilliant on the ball.”

As it happened, Montenegro must have sent over the least brilliant of their amazingly able population. There was no brilliance on view in Croke Park last night: and even Hunt’s selection as man-of-the-match passed by with barely an ironic whimper.

The team were giving it their all, said Hunt in his post-match interview. There had been dramatic improvement in two years. Some others, apart from Dunphy, needed to get behind them as well.

A final word for Eamo?

“Give it a rest.”

Dunphy – fresh from his nuptials – opted for a paternal response. “He’s a good kid, he’s only a kid, what’s he done? He’s done nothing wrong.”

No, Dunphy’s villain remains Trapattoni. “A poverty of ambition,” he thundered.

Then there was the inevitable roll-call of the icons, lending an almost celestial credence to his argument.

You’ve heard it a thousand times before. Pádraig Harrington, the best golfer in the world. The best racehorse in the world, who, while we’re on about him, is presumably not yawning in his new role.

The Kilkenny hurlers. The Kerry footballers. “I want our sport to give us that kind of buzz,” he said, “that kind of pride, and, most important of all, to play with that type of ambition.”

Billo showed him the points table, referenced the play-offs, and accused Dunphy of being a romantic.

“You can trot out these glib statistics,” countered Dunphy. Somewhere we heard a kettle calling a pot black. We also heard a few thousand yawns, as it happens.

Billo was in impish form, all the same. He had the temerity to wheel out Dunphy’s effusive tributes to Trap upon his appointment to what must surely be among the top 100 most glamorous jobs in football anywhere in these islands.

“…one of the most wonderful things I have seen in Irish soccer… I’m thrilled… greatest appointment in the history…”

In our confused state, where do we look for a final word? By this stage, Keith Andrews was lifting the roof off the stand, there was even talk of one of those stray dribbles running down his chin. So we had to turn to “outsider” Souness.

He took Dunphy to task for his ongoing Andy Reid crusade. Reid was “not that good”.

Even in the unlikely event of Ireland’s most famous guitarist since Gary Moore getting the curly finger to come back, Ireland would not suddenly be able to take on the top teams “head on”.

He used the phrase a few times. Not That Good. And, after an unspeakably dull rat-and-mouse kind of match, it was hard to get it out of your head.

Not That Good, Not That Good, Not thatttt Good. A mantra that could induce sleep. Must check the video again to see who was whispering in Keith Andrews’ ear throughout.