Making a good impression
Indeed. No doubt old Beefy made the recommendation.
Yes, we have to take our sporting tonics when and where we can in these dark, depressing days. With uncanny timing, RTÉ caught the national mood this week by devoting a couple of hours of prime time to the occasions when it all went horribly, horribly wrong.
However, watching the excellent “20 Moments That Shook Irish Sport”, it suddenly struck me that the Montrose mandarins are really going to be up against it come their end-of-year sports round-up.
Traditionally, this is a celebratory, back-slapping, didn’t-we-all-do-well affair but given the torrid 12 months our sporting nation has endured on the international stage, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if this year’s model is broadcast from the Pro Cathedral with lots of funereal organ music and sombre voiceover by Brian Farrell.
Presumably, Pádraig Harrington is a shoo-in for the personality of the year and the Irish cricket team will probably have to be elevated to iconic status, but when it comes to the old staples of international soccer and rugby, expect to see tumbleweed blowing across the studio floor and even the ever upful Colm Murray struggling to look on the bright side of life.
Lucky for us we have the old GAA, eh? At least we’ll always produce world champions at that.
Another thing that struck me watching 20 Moments That Shook Irish Sport is that presenter Mario Rosenstock ought to have a big say in the selection of the next manager of Ireland. In much the same way as Dermot Morgan’s Charlie Haughey become more authentic than Haughey himself, it’s to impressionists like Rosenstock and Risteard Cooper that we now turn when we want to look into the hearts of our leading sports personalities. Cooper was the main reason for sticking with RTÉ’s patchy Rugby World Cup mockumentary the other night. No offence to the, er, ebullient Hector, but I don’t suppose there’s any chance he could just stick to the excellent Spanish from here on in? The good news for Cooper and his fans is Eddie O’Sullivan is contracted to stay in his job for at least another 104 years, and with no sign of Colm Murray disappearing from view either, the actor/comedian/impressionist isn’t about to run short.
Contrast his fate with that of Mario Rosenstock, who has been hit with the vicious double-whammy of losing both José Mourinho and Steve Staunton inside a few months. Clearly, the identity of the next Irish gaffer ought to be a matter of vital importance to the Gift Grubber.
And sure enough, when I put a call through to the man himself — dragging him away from signing copies of his latest collection “Gift Grub 8 — The G Factor” — he promptly reveals he has been thinking of contacting the FAI with a list of managerial candidates who are “eminently lampoonable”. And one who would not.
But first there’s the loss of José and Stan. The former he can just about cope with, he tells me, on the grounds he tended to use the Chelsea boss sparingly but always with the seismic force of an impact sub.
“He was like having Lawrence Dallaglio,” he says. “When you don’t have Dallaglio you miss him, even though you didn’t use him that much.”
Stan, however, was “comic gold” and first name on the team sheet right from day one when he announced: “I’m the gaffer.” Says Mario: “Then close upon that, he used the expression, ‘We’re going to hope to be a banana skin’.”
And this basically summed up his philosophy: we’re hoping other teams will trip over us. Somewhere along the way, Mario also discovered that a favourite private phrase of Staunton’s was, “I haven’t got a scooby doo” and this too was duly brought to the attention of listeners to the Ian Dempsey Show.
“So he is a big loss,” Mario admits, as his thoughts now turn to who might replace the ex-gaffer.
He wouldn’t mind Martin Jol, whose gravelly Dutch voice is already part of the Rosenstock portfolio. “I could kind of reinvent the whole Jaap Stam thing through Martin Jol,” he enthuses. “Sort of Jaap Stam’s father. Dave O’Leary would be good too. He was a previous character on Gift Grub, especially during his ‘babies’ time at Leeds. And a third — which I haven’t revealed yet — is Liam Brady, who I have been doing in the office and making Ian crack up. If I did him now I’d feel I was doing a bit of ‘Apres Match’ and I don’t want to do that. But if he did become manager I think he’d be public property.”
And anyone who the FAI should rule out on the grounds that he is not eminently lampoonable?
“Yes, Martin O’Neill. Can’t do him at all. I can find nothing humorous about him. So if the FAI want someone who will never be lampooned on Gift Grub, they should hire Martin O’Neill. He’s the only one that’s bullet-proof for me.”
Meanwhile, back in the real world (sort of), Rainer Bonhof, the youngest member of Germany’s 1974 World Cup winning team, hasn’t been slow in coming forward about his interest in the Irish job. After a glittering playing career — which included a spell alongside the great Argentinian Mario Kempes at Valencia — Bonhof went into management as boss of the German ‘B’ team. His extensive cv also includes spells at the helm of the German and Scottish U-21 teams, as assistant to Bertie Vogts at Euro ‘96 and as manager of his old club Borussia Monchengladbach.
The 55-year-old is now scouting for Chelsea in Germany and Austria.
Says Bonhof: “The challenge for Ireland is similar to the one we had in Scotland when I was there and the expectations of the fans makes the job more challenging. When I see what is done with Germany’s young talent every year, I know that on a smaller scale similar successes could be achieved elsewhere. My career has taught me that it is all possible. The successful times will come back for Ireland and qualifying for future tournaments is possible with a winning mentality. Personally, (managing Ireland) would be a very interesting opportunity so I have decided to put my name forward.”
And there you have it. He was a player and a manager. He is German. And therefore he has an accent.
As we have established, first impressions count. I’m off to the bookies.
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