Cheeky answer to an attacking dilemma

YOU know those games where no matter how hard you try you just can’t get going?

Nothing’s coming off, the ball regards your hands the same way Ian Paisley regards the Falls road, the opposition’s 39-year-old, 20- stone prop has just sold you an outrageous dummy to score his first try since Live Aid and the mini-Hitler holding the whistle is studiously ignoring you after repeated enquiries as to the time remaining.

And then, as the freezing rain seeps into your sodden soul and you think things cannot get any worse, someone goes and shoots you in the ass with a pellet gun.