Things are going just nicely at Old Trafford, apart from the football

In a parallel universe Manchester United released their first financial figures of the post-David Moyes era this week, concluding six glorious years in which the club seamlessly moved on from the retirement of Alex Ferguson.

With Moyes’ trusty right-hand man Phil Neville ready as the anointed successor, weirdo-universe analysts expect the United dynasty to dominate English football in this bizarre alternate realm for years to come.