Life’s a beach as Reds on horizon

WIT the much-mourned quasi-retirement of Terry Wogan, these islands’ Greatest Living Broadcaster is now undoubtedly ‘Lord’ Danny Baker, and he recently addressed one of his pet targets, the — underachieving Rafa Benitez.

“Listen, Rafa,” he chortled, “this ‘zonal defending’ of yours … it’s only any good if your opponents agree to zonal attacking!”

But not even our Danny could top the sheer hilarity of BeachballGate at the Stadium of S**te.

Now then: normally in such situations, the scousers would disclaim all responsibility and instead chirrup in unison “it wasn’t us, la’, it woz Chelsea,” or some such. Not an option available this time, though, as the offending item was clearly plastered in liverbirds, who were presumably later reported to be ‘sick as a parrot’.

I particularly appreciated the fact that many media outlets pixellated the face of the young fan.

Yes, as you can tell from this (semi-) good natured bantering, it’s clearly United/Liverpool week. You can’t blame us for rubbing our hands in glee, though. After the utter disaster that befell us at Old Trafford in the spring, I thought it’d be many a year before the right circumstances would be re-aligned once more, ducks-in-gallery style, that might enable us to gain a fulsome revenge.

Yet could Sunday provide that moment already? As I write, Benitez is pulling yet another list out of his pocket and spouting grievances about injuries to Torres, Gerrard and others. One can only hope his complaints will remain well-founded by the time of Sunday’s kickoff.

Usually, for showpiece occasions such as these, I would sportingly hope that the stars show for both sides, all the better for both the spectacle and for proper critical judgement of how ongoing forces are balanced. But in the wake of the awful 1-4, I’m afraid it’s ‘b****x to all that’. I’d even accept a goal or two bouncing off a bucket or spade, should the scousers decide to continue the bizarre habit of importing their Formby Sands accoutrements into stadia.

Obviously, there’ll be no beachware on show tonight for us, though, headed as we are to a freezing Moscow. From which any subsequent Beresinian retreat would be consolingly warmed by next weekend’s glowing prospects. Because, for those of us who follow *two* Mancunian Uniteds, it’s a double-header to relish.

Indeed Anfield on Sunday will be, in some respects, almost overshadowed by the previous day’s FA Cup 4th Qualifying Round clash between the august Northwich Victoria and FC United, which will arguably be the biggest match ever played by the fans’ breakaway club.

Barely four years old, the ‘Little United’, as some call it, stand on the brink of the FA Cup 1st Round proper, with all that might entail for massive draws, TV coverage and, yes, some welcome coffer-boosting. “Leeds away would be most welcome,” smiles one club official — and the shimmering fantasy of an eventual third round match with Big United will always play brightly in the imagination.

Curiously, Sunday has its own doubleheader of a kind too — Tampa Bucs play at Wembley, and fans of both the Glazers’ clubs will doubtless be drawing ire-inducing comparisons after noting which family members deign to turn up at what match. A diplomat would suggest they should somehow collectively cover both, but who knows if they could afford all the travel and tickets? Sigh. We may laugh at the Scousers — but the biggest joke remains squarely on us.