Hard to keep it real after toppling cowardly Madrid and hated United

I’VE had better weeks. Of course there was always a trophy or two at the end of them.

Who saw that coming? You did? Liar! There’s an extra dimension to our play when there’s a challenge and there’s always hope when Gerrard and Torres are together, but come on: eight goals in a week against the nabobs of narcissism?

Maybe it wasn’t the wisest move for Real’s ‘Pravda’ to headline their build-up “This Is Anfield — So What?” especially after their 5-1 aggregate prediction had already been reduced to laughable ashes.

They never learn, do they? I was a bit morose before the game. A friend noticed I wasn’t joining in the compulsory pub debate. At first he was afraid he’d gone deaf. I was thinking about my dad and how he never got to see Real Madrid at Anfield. When I was a baby they won their fifth European Cup in a 7-3 classic, by contrast he’d just finished watching a sixth straight season of lower league dross.

How times change, even in the comparative blink of an eye between Houllier and Benitez.

From surrendering to Marseille in the UEFA Cup to thrashing Madrid and securing our fourth Champions League quarter-final in five seasons, this is Rafa’s domain. No wonder his services are so coveted.

If the tie really were his Bernabeu interview, then they’d be asking, “when can you start” before Ramos’s spanked backside returns to its natural colour. He’d have to be unstable to want that job now, but let’s put a lid on that can of worms and savour the moment.

We got into them from the off and didn’t let them settle for a second. There was post-match babble about why we don’t do that all the time, but it was clearly tactical and the last thing the visitors expected.

Scratch that. A goal from Andrea Dossena was the last thing they were expecting, if they even cared then. The coward Robben couldn’t get off the pitch fast enough. Pity there was another 45 minutes left.

We can’t get carried away because we’ve only beaten “the worst Real side in living memory”.

Is that so? I shouldn’t let it get to me, but can anyone recall the last good team we beat? When we put eight past Besiktas there was an inquiry into a betting scam! The emphasis on Torres and Gerrard is fair enough. How we’ve missed them, Fernando in particular was in no mood to take prisoners.

Then it was United’s turn. Denied their usual snide build-up, which generally consists of nauseating speculation about where our manager and stars will be next season, they had to make do with Wayne’s pipsqueak goading and exploiting Rafa’s peculiar mantra about United’s e100m advantage.

Like his whinge about Ferguson/Mabuse’s hold on referees, this was largely interpreted as another example of Benitez unravelling, but we needn’t have worried. There is now a contractual stipulation that means the best teams must save their worst performances for us.

With Alonso and Arbeloa crocked, Lucas selected, Reina’s brainstorm and Wiley ignoring United’s thuggish variation on Pass The Parcel (Kick The Forward), all hope seemed lost.

Luckily Vidic remembered the regulations in time and helped us back into it. Evra chipped in. By the time Vidic changed sports in mid-plod, the contest was over.

The casual observer might be thinking the dynamic duo gave United’s ‘untouchables’ more problems in one hour than they’ve faced all season; that Hyypia was immense on such short notice; that Aurelio had the game of his life.

You’d be wrong. The rest of the world has not cottoned onto this new rule yet. Suspicions should have been aroused when Dossena scored in successive matches, but that’s the British for you. Gullible.

We know Ferguson loves those empty seats and their equally plastic ‘fans’ duly obliged like 1999 never happened. If you need a cabaret act to warm up your support against your hated rivals, you’re in trouble.

As flippant as this sounds I cannot deny this should only be a pit stop in United’s procession. It confirmed our problem all season has been with relative minnows in the games we’re expected to win easily.

United home and away, Chelsea home and away, Madrid home and away — all deserved victories.

What would Freud make of that, I wonder? This season has not seen an improvement so much as a reversal, but the post-mortem has been postponed. Let’s swagger whilst we can.