The mystery of Shergar may never be solved, but at least we know what happened to his teeth

PLEASE, no more golf puns. I can’t take it any more. We’d just won 2-1 in the Nou Camp after conceding the first goal.

Now, how often does that happen? But the English press, having already measured up Liverpool’s wedge-battered body for a pine box, was never going to let us savour the moment.

They weren’t about to marvel at Riise’s remarkable powers of recuperation. So remarkable that he can now score stunning goals with a foot he could barely stand on before. Maybe he should take a fabricated whipping every week? No, we were not only subjected to the same excruciating “jokes” in every single report, we even had to read steaming great piles of moralistic piffle about Bellamy’s hilarious “F**k you” celebrations.