Say what

The wit, wisdom and downright weird of the sporting world in 2005.

FOOTBALL

“I will have to turbo charge my Zimmer frame.” - Oldham’s 41-year-old midfielder David Eyres - the oldest outfield player involved in the FA Cup third round - on his plan to stop live wire Manchester City winger Shaun Wright-Phillips.

“Is he entitled to go dance with his wife at a do? Yes he is. Does he need some help with his dance moves? Obviously he does. We will do some more movement to music in training.” - Crystal Palace manager Iain Dowie defends striker Andrew Johnson after tabloid photographers snap him on a night out.

“The problem is that they are all stars at Madrid. You need someone to carry the water to the well.” - Diego Maradona points out the major problem with Real Madrid.

“We are not instant coffee here - this is long term and I want to help lift our brand even higher.” - QPR manager and Irish Examiner columnist Ian Holloway after signing a new contract.

“I remember Giants Stadium and the flags from all over Ireland; Donegal, Dunkirk, Mayo.” - Tony Cascarino fondly recalls the Ireland glory days.

“If this time next year my body is holding up and my hip is okay, and the knee, and Alex Ferguson and Carlos Queiroz and Micky Phelan probably feel I can still contribute to the team then who knows? Besides, the manager pulled me aside and said that he will be the one deciding when I’m going to be retiring.” - Manchester United captain Roy Keane, pictured, on his plans to hang up his boots at the end of the 2005-06 season.

“How could they not know? It’s not chewing gum, doping is like making love, you need two to do it, the doctor and the athlete.” - Michel Platini airs his doubts over doping denials at his former club Juventus.

“A message to the best football supporters in the world. We need a 12th man here. Where are you? Where are you? Let’s be having you. Come on.” - Delia Smith’s rallying call to Norwich fans at Carrow Road pitch at half-time during the vital clash with Manchester City. Norwich squandered a 2-0 lead to lose 3-2.

“I think I must have run over six black cats since I’ve been at Wolves.” - Wolves boss Glenn Hoddle after his side drew their 10th match in 13 under him.

“He has said he will quit but, listen, I said I loved my wife when I left her this morning. Things change.” - Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd insists Alan Shearer will reverse his decision to retire.

“We have had dozens of applications, ranging from the top end of the scale to an unknown 25-year-old whose only selling point is that he owns a track suit.” - Dundee United chairman Eddie Thompson on the applicants for the manager’s job at Tannadice.

“I slept with the cup in my hotel room. I did not want it out of my sight. When I woke up and someone took it away, I felt I had lost a part of me.” - Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard on the morning after the club’s stunning Champions League final victory over AC Milan in Istanbul.

“The only threats I’ve had this week have been from the wife for not doing the washing up.” - then Southampton boss Harry Redknapp when asked if he had received any threats in the build-up to the derby clash with his former club Portsmouth.

“Gascoigne in 1990 was a fantastic player, he was never going to split the atom but he had a football brain.” - Bobby Robson on former protege Paul Gascoigne.

“After his first training session in heaven, George Best, from his favourite right wing, turned the head of God who was filling in at left-back. I would love him to save me a place in his team - George Best that is, not God.” - Eric Cantona’s interesting tribute to George Best.

GOLF

“It’s like eating an elephant. I can do it, but you have to do it bite by bite.” - Colin Montgomerie on slowly working his way up the world golf rankings in an effort to reach the top 50 and earn his place in the Masters.

“They don’t let you smoke or drink in gyms so you know I’m not going to have any fun doing that.” - ‘Wild Thing’ golfer John Daly insists he has no plans to pump iron.

“I was shooting 80s all the time, close to 90s - I just could not play the game. I remember throwing my golf bag across the hotel room. I thought: ‘This is it, it’s all over.’ I was about to get an axe and chop them up and throw them away.” - US Open champion Michael Campbell reveals the torment of a slump in form eight years ago.

“I feel like an octopus, but I’ve just looked at the video and it actually doesn’t look as bad as it feels.” - Darren Clarke on his golf swing.

“I think it’s a nice joke. No discrimination to anyone, but it’s a farce. If we accept that women can enter our tournaments then it applies that men can play with women. I am definitely going to approach them to get an application and if they let me play in the qualifying event then I will. I’ll even wear a kilt and shave my legs.” - Frenchman Jean Van de Velde believes if women should be allowed to enter the men’s British Open Championship, the reverse should apply to the women’s Open.

GENERAL

“Tyson is still crazy - he bit my nipple! Good job he wasn’t a midget, otherwise he’d have bitten something else!” - Kevin McBride believes Tyson bit off more than he could chew.

“I didn’t really want to have to resort to that in front of hundreds of thousands of people.” - Paula Radcliffe on her toilet stop in the London marathon.

“I like that stage, although the carpet needs hoovering!” - Trina Gulliver after winning an unprecedented fifth consecutive women’s World Darts Championship at the Lakeside.

“Hope he gets bored or something.” - Andy Roddick, after losing a second successive Wimbledon final to Roger Federer, on his strategy to eventually beat the world number one.

“You will not see me with a javelin again unless you come to Samoa and I catch you a fish.” - Samoan shot putter Shaka Sola who was stranded in the Pacific during his preferred event because of a missed flight and took part in the javelin instead. He threw 41.18m - 44m short of Russia’s reigning world champion Sergey Makarov.

“Until a few years ago, I thought I would be a go-kart mechanic.” - Formula One world champion Fernando Alonso

“Was I speared? I think so. Slam-dunked is probably the expression which sums it up best.” - Brian O’Driscoll after the infamous tackle by Tana Umaga and Keven Mealamu.

“There wouldn’t be enough wall space for all that crap, so why bother?” - NZ coach Graham Henry when asked if ‘spear-gate’ headlines had been pinned up for motivation.

“I won’t change my style because I like to excite people. I like to think of myself as rugby’s equivalent of Eric Cantona or Cristiano Ronaldo” - Wales star Gavin Henson, pictured, explains himself.

“It’s fair to say that if [Gavin] Henson plays against us again, he’s in trouble.” - Leicester Tigers flyer Austin Healey after a fiesty encounter with the Ospreys at Welford Road.