A quiet word to beat the World Cup anoraks
Occasionally an outsider pops up to make it memorable — North Korea and Pak Doo Ik in 1966, Cameroon and Roger Milla in 1990, as holders Argentina were beaten sensationally by Cameroon on the opening day.
West Germany were shocked in their 1982 World Cup opener against Algeria — who were only deprived of a place in the next round by a shabby fix between Germany and Austria.
Unfortunately forgettable encounters are a lot more common. A week into the competition, one match can blur into another, especially when they finish around 1am. Japan v Greece, followed by Honduras v Ecuador, finishing Nigeria v Bosnia will be three consecutive nights to test the resolve of even the most addicted.
Even if you wished to, and even with the aid of the internet, it is impossible to keep abreast of all 32 contenders. In fact the internet makes it worse, because with information saturation, the football nerds and anoraks will have a field day.
Even now, they are surrounding themselves with wall-to-wall interactive charts, tabulating South Korean scoring records and preparing to prove to you why Eduardo Salvio would have been a far better option for Argentina than Rodrigo Palacio.
One defence is simply to ignore them. The other is bluff. And one secret of a successful bluff at the group stage is to have an apparently informed opinion about the main contenders — say Brazil, Argentina, Spain and Germany. This need not be original, just something that makes people aware that you are in the know.
Examples: Germany will not be the same team without Marco Reus, but the injury provides an opportunity for Lukas Podolski and Andre Schurrle to shine. Or: Argentina’s defence is not worthy of their attack but Martin DeMichelis could still come good.
Or: Iker Casillas — he’s not been the same since he had to compete for his place at Real Madrid.
At the same time you should spend a couple of hours learning about one or two of the rank outsiders, such as Algeria or Bosnia. Algeria’s exploits in 1982 are a good point of reference. Rabah Madjer, who scored that historic goal against the Germans, went on to star for Porto in the European Cup final against Bayern Munich.
Again, if you know Sarajevo recently sacked their manager because of a picture showing him sharing a shooting expedition with Arkan, the deceased leader of the Serbian death squads, this gives you a head start.
Your obviously intimate acquaintance with Bosnian club football might well suggest that your knowledge extends at least to Croatia and Greece and possibly to all the other competitors as well.
Other weapons in the bluffer’s armoury can include the following...
1. One or two historical facts about South American football, especially Brazil. For example that the first clubs in Sao Paulo were formed by Italian immigrants, or Brazil’s first match was against Exeter City. This second fact is not strictly true as it was just a match involving seven players from Rio and four from Sao Paulo, but it sounds good. To back it up, point out Argentina’s first matches against Uruguay involved two Irish players and their first team was made up of players from Genoa and coached by an Irishman.
2. Weather forecasts for match venues. It’s obvious heat and humidity are going to play a big part in this tournament, and because Brazil is so big, climatic conditions vary enormously. The heat in Fortaleza and Natal can be exhausting. By contrast Porto Alegre and Curitiba can be mild. A quick glance at the forecast beforehand allows you remark on how the last 20 minutes is crucial. Bear in mind there can be huge evening storms in the north east.
3. Finally, learn local lingo. Can you tell the difference between a zagueiro and a volante? A zagueiro is at the back, the volante is in central midfield. The anoraks won’t know that. Unless they’re Brazilian.
