It’s like a jungle sometimes
Indeed, with more than enough to chew on, the small matter of Manchester United wrapping up the Premier League almost amounted to little more than a one-day wonder, their procession to the title quickly eclipsed on the news lists by an artificial controversy about their guard of honour at the Emirates tomorrow. Compared to how the noisy neighbours closed things out last time, the 2013 denouement can only be called an anti-climax, even if United, to their credit, sealed the deal against Aston Villa with something of the traditional swagger which has not always been evident in their more dogged performances over the course of this campaign.
Robin van Persie hogged the headlines with his hat-trick, of course, the second a thing of awesome beauty. But note that the booming 50-yard pass which invited the striker’s volley was delivered to perfection by Wayne Rooney, a player we are frequently told is past his prime and even on his way out of Old Trafford. The latter might well prove to be the case given that all is clearly not as it once was between the Roo and his gaffer but – presumptuous though it might be to question a manager who has just claimed his 13th Premier League title – I reckon that if Alex Ferguson lets him go it will rank as a serious error of judgement.
Despite a substantially improved Michael Carrick contribution this season, United are still struggling to find a successor to Paul Scholes as their playmaker-in-chief. They even tried replacing him with, well, Paul Scholes but, at this stage of the great man’s career, that was always going to be a short-term and not wholly dependable fix. But United don’t need to look too far for the solution, as was confirmed by a likely lad who displayed the classic midfielder’s full repertoire of vision, skill, intelligence and lancing distribution against Villa. Remember the name: Wayne Rooney.
And so to the molar opposite: the frankly gob-smacking sight of Luis Suarez sinking his teeth into Branislav Ivanovic. Or, since upon investigation there appeared to be no actual bite-marks, perhaps better to say that he tickled him with his ivories. (Don’t worry, folks, there’s plenty more where those came from, including the splendid headlines ‘Same Old Suarez, Always Eating’ and ‘Eats, Shoots And Leaves’).
In any event, there was clearly enough contact between tooth and skin for the Chelsea defender to respond by instinctively hurling Suarez away from him as if he was a rabid dog and then, looking suitably shocked, protesting in vain to the referee. Frankly, I think Ivanoic should be complimented for his admirable self-restraint: as one commentator remarked, if someone had been daft enough to sink his choppers into old ‘Chopper’ Harris, he’d have been out cold, as opposed to merely out, for ten games.
Liverpool, as you would expect, complain that the ban is wildly excessive but, in circumstances as bizarre as this, how do you weigh up what constitutes a tooth for a tooth? I’d be tempted to have a touch more sympathy for Suarez if this hadn’t been his second bite of the cherry, as it were, a repeat offence which suggests he is prone to an irresistible compulsion of a kind which you’d be tempted to term ‘infantile’ if that wasn’t being unkind to tots.
Whether Suarez stays or goes, this must surely be a concern for any future employer. I mean, you know the way he likes to kiss his wrist when he scores? What if the terrible compulsion overcomes him in that moment of high emotion and he ends up chewing off his own hand? And how would he stop World Cup goals then, eh?
And so to the saddest sight of the week: Lionel Messi looking almost as shell-shocked as Ivanovic, after Barcelona had been battered by Bayern in the Champions League. The Catalans can have no complaints, apart from the obvious one that the world’s greatest footballer was hardly fit for purpose on the night. But then, Xavi and Iniesta supposedly were, and they too were made to look helpless in the face of the power and purpose of the Munich onslaught. Even the illegality of two of Bayern’s goals has to be viewed in the context of such a commanding performance overall that they might easily have had a couple more legitimate ones.
If they were chuckling at the spectacle in Spanish capital – and you know they were — then the laughter would have died in their throats just 24 hours later, as Borussia Dortmund inflicted a repeat performance on Real Madrid.
Ronaldo’s consolation goal gives Madrid some modest hope in the second leg but only to the extent that their exercise in mountain-climbing will be more Alpine than Himalayan. As for Messi and co, the Melchester Rovers of the modern game, it will require something not even Roy Race’s scriptwriters would have countenanced, if they are to dig themselves out of this hole.
True, this is Barcelona but it’s impossible to see a team with Bayern’s cutting edge failing to find the net again against Barca’s increasingly porous defence.
And since much the same rate of exchange can be expected in the Bernabeu, it looks like the rise and rise of German football will be confirmed with a case of ‘Deutschland Uber Alles’ at Wembley next month.
