Here comes the big bang

EARLIER this week, the Large Hadron Collider finally began crashing particles together at nearly the speed of light. Today, it’s the turn of the Premier League to deliver its version of The Big Bang.

Readers of this column won’t need me to tell them that the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s most powerful atom smasher since Chelsea’s Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris was routinely cremating opponents back in the 70s, is designed to probe the deepest mysteries of life, such as the nature of matter, the origins of the universe and, most baffling of all, how the Arse managed to get on level terms against Barca at the Emirates the other night.

Theoretical physicists are also hoping that the LHC will finally locate the elusive ‘Higgs Bosun’ or so-called ‘God Particle’ which, as y’all well know, will either help explain the origins of mass and the four forces of nature OR give birth to a form of anti-matter which will annihilate us all in a blinding flash and thereby render the Premier League run-in a touch academic.

So, that’s quite a lot for today’s game at Old Trafford to live up to, I think you’ll agree, though I’m quite sure that those imaginative folk at Sky Sports will find a way to make it seem even bigger than that.

But just as the LHC’s first attempt at creating the big bang ended with a small, embarrassing pop last September, so today’s monster mash has already been somewhat diluted by the loss of Manchester United’s very own God Particle.

“The nation can stop praying,” said Alex Ferguson yesterday, which made me think for a moment that science had finally killed off God altogether. But no, apparently, the Almighty One has simply tweaked His ankle although not even He, it turns out, is a quick enough healer to be back in time for the game which could well decide the destiny of the title, if not the meaning of life itself.

The popular consensus is that Wayne Rooney’s absence tilts the tie in favour of Chelsea and, with 34 goals and a lengthy run of matchwinning performances to his credit, it’s hard to disagree.

Yet, for all that, Chelsea go into this one on the back of their most impressive performance of the season – that 7-1 thrashing of Villa – and with their own formidable marksman, Didier Drogba, apparently restored to full health, there are reasons for believing that United will just about retain the advantage in the title race at close of play.

If, even in the run-up, the loss of Rooney serves to remind us of the importance of big players to big games then, albeit to a lesser degree, the same can surely be said of Chelsea having to take the Old Trafford pitch without Michael Essien, who is still struggling to overcome a serious knee injury.

It’s a testament to Chelsea’s collective strength that, despite a few worrying wobbles, their title challenge has remained on course despite not being able to avail of the services of the inspirational Ghanaian since December.

But if ever there was a game which seemed designed to accommodate the input of a phenomenal energy source like Essien, it’s surely today’s heavyweight collision in Manchester.

Rooney’s absence aside, there is otherwise not a whole lot to choose between the two contenders – at least not on the pitch.

In the dugout, it’s a different matter.

Carlo Ancelotti has never been in this position before in the Premiership whereas, for his counterpart, it’s three-in-a-row and counting as he seeks to lead his time to their 11th title under his reign. There is no better manager in England at getting his players to rise to the occasion and, when necessary, seeing his team over the line in testing circumstances, so Fergie’s expertise could well be a crucial factor today.

But, ultimately, I expect this one to be settled by the narrowest of margins, what Giovanni Trapattoni – no stranger himself to footballing sub-atomic particles – likes to call the “leetle details”.

It might be something as freaky as a deflection or as stupid as a red card – hello Didier! – but you have to suspect that the 90 minutes (sorry Sir, I mean the 95 minutes) won’t elapse without some funny, old game-changing event.

But, the unpredictable apart, the very least we can expect today is a crunching collision of matter and anti-matter, a ferocious coming together of high-energy powers which could well tilt the earth on its axis and, at the end of it all, produce the result that will shake science to its foundations.

So that’ll be a draw then.

By the way, the aforementioned Large Hadron Collider has been the source of much mirth after an English newspaper inadvertently transposed the letters ‘d’ and ‘r’ to produce something called the Large Hardon Collider. Cue lots of giggly references to big bangs, black holes and whatever you’re having yourself.

I only mention this as an excuse to share another lovely typo which came my way on Thursday. This was a line attributed to manager Pete Mahon and carried in the official St Patrick’s Athletic team news bulletin ahead of last night’s game against Sporting Fingal. Lavishing praise on the cup-holders, Pete was quoted as saying: “I’m very familiar with some of the players at Liam Buckley’s disposal because they played under me at UCD and I’m delighted to see them doping so well.” FAI investigation ahoy!

- Contact: [e-mail]