Sure we're not Normal People

Gentrification? Up comes the lino, while  in comes the vinyl, and the vegan delis

Is it a good year to sell your home? Ask Audrey

The really weird thing about 2020 was that Irish people ditched property in favour of a new obsession. Normal People. I don’t know what all the fuss was about – the very thought of Sligo people having sex was enough to give me a fit of the gawks.

That was then. 2021 is when we get back to discussing the big issues. Is it a good year to sell my house? And is Ballyphehane really being gentrified?

It might be a good year to sell in Kinsale. Figures released in December showed that it has the most expensive property in Munster, but some of those stats come from estate agents, so you know yourself. (I’m not suggesting estate agents are strangers to the truth, for legal reasons.)

Still, I can understand the demand for property in Kinsale. It’s a well known fact that sex addicts and swingers don’t like to travel, you’d be wrecked after all the swapsies.

(Apparently.)

I’d be amazed if Kinsale got knocked off its perch in 2021, with the influx of Posh Brits who don’t believe Boris Johnson when he says Britain will prosper mightily after Brexit. (Or when he says anything really.) I have one question for people who think Posh Brits will have trouble adapting to life in Kinsale – have you ever been to Kinsale? (Or Glandore? I hear prices are booming so much down there that people with Range Rovers are actually thinking of buying in Union Hall. Imagine!)

The other big question facing Cork property next year is would you like to buy an office block, two for the price of one, anyone there now for the last of the office blocks? If Covid- 19 has taught us one thing it’s that our workmates are a shower of langers and life is much easier when you only have to deal with them over Zoom. This is huge really and bound to lead to some very strange behaviour. 

My sources tell me things are gone so wonky that previously sane people are thinking of moving to Coachford. There are a number of factors driving this, the main one being that they’ve never been to Coachford. (Virtual viewings should come with a public health warning.) I don’t think the Government is doing nearly enough to cope with the culture clash that’s coming down the road. You can’t just throw a bunch of city people and culchies together and assume that someone won’t say, ‘I always thought the smell was off the animals, but now that we’re all here in the parish hall, I can see that I was wrong.’ This flee-to-the-country thing will hardly last out the year, particularly when people cop that the broadband coverage is patchier than my memory of our wedding day.(#ProseccoIsNotBeer.)

We still haven’t seen a whole lot of gentrification in the city. In case you don’t know, gentrification is where Posh Young People move to a working class area and wait for all the old people to die off so they can build a vegan deli selling vinyl records. (Posh Young People are hilaire.) The word on the South Mall is that Ballyphehane is first in line for this kind of carry on because that Christians and Scoil Mhuire couple who can’t afford a starter home in Ballinlough (disgraced) reckon they know the ‘Hane from drinking a bottle of vodka on the street before going into see a match in Musgrave Park. Kids from other schools drink vodka too, just in case anyone is offended to enough to contact a solicitor.

The other big change is going to be down around the Marina. It was all the bizz this year after they pedestrianised it and half of Cork paraded up and down during the lockdowns.

The problem was that it was the wrong half of Cork and I hear the Blackrock Road crowd are thinking of moving out to get away from the Norries walking past their back garden.

The Marina was  all the bizz this year after they pedestrianised it and half of Cork paraded up and down during the lockdowns. The problem was that it was the wrong half of Cork and I hear the Blackrock Road crowd are thinking of moving out....

Expect 'For Sale' signs on the Blackrock Road in early spring and a slew of potential buyers from Bishopstown, followed by the smell of Lynx Africa. (Baile An Culchie is the Irish for Bishopstown. Actual fact.) I learned two things from secret drone footage that landed in my inbox. The first is the price of hot-tubs is finally low enough for the wannabes on the Skehard Road. The second is, it would be more in their line to look after their garden than sitting in bubbles, turning into an old prune. (I’d put in a line here about trimming their bush, but the Property Editor is a total dryballs.)

In terms of commercial property, I worry about Cork’s plans to become to new Singapore.

It turns out that a lot of talented young professionals don’t want to leave Barcelona in order to live and work in a glass box on the Centre Park Road. (They were actually gung-ho until someone suggested they look it up on Google Maps.) 

Shout out to student accommodation here though. The teenagers are too busy trying to save the planet on Tik Tok to notice there is no point in getting a degree because the robots will have all our jobs by 2026. Their parents might have noticed but the last thing they want is an idle 18 year old giving them a daily lecture on sustainable living, when they’re not looking at their second iPhone in six months.

Expect the Student Accommodation Wand to be waved at glass boxes all over Cork next year. Who cares that the people who work in town have to move out the Mallow to find a place they can afford. The main thing is that well-off culchie students don’t have a long walk home after puking on a First Year by the fountain on the Grand Parade. Have a great year!!