Discussing the horrific details of Russia's war in Ukraine is becoming indecent in a decent society

As Ukrainians in Ireland mark five months of Russia's brutal war on their country, solidarity is splintering among those who want to stay and those who want to return

War for us is the news that a rocket has fallen today 10 kilometres from your mother and the dog, which is already disabled. Picture: Dmytro Laryn / Ukrainska Pravda

In peaceful times, when we talk about marking the months, we are usually talking about pregnancy or birth. In wartime, we "measure" the war in months. We have passed the five-month mark, a peculiar and monstrous anniversary. 

What do Ukrainians feel, living now for almost half a year in a new and terrible reality?

I believe that two groups exist among my compatriots: first, those who had a below-average standard of living in Ukraine before the war, are considering the possibility of a change for the better, and do not plan to return. "What should I look for there?" one woman asked me. "Don't you understand that there will be a recession in the economy in the next few years?"

No, I don't understand, I thought. I lived in my country, because it was mine, not because GDP was growing there. And if you have brains and the desire, you can earn money in any economic situation. Besides, that's not the point. 

Another Ukrainian woman, who worked as a cashier in a Ukrainian supermarket, tells me she hurried to get married here and successfully completed this mission in two months. She also has no plans to return.

There is another category of Ukrainians. Throughout their life, they have created. They worked, invented, launched innovative products, improved services, sang about their land, and fell asleep every evening, lulled by the lullabies of its winds and rivers. They built a wonderful life in their country and lost it instantly. 

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These people could rebuild their lives in any other country. Creating is a natural state for them, their need. But they are the ones who want to go back. Not because in Ukraine, their apartments, summer houses, and cars are not still destroyed by the Russian missiles, but because they are told to do so by conscience and love. Because it was this land that raised them, fed, and warmed them.

It is in this second group that I include myself. Before the war, I considered myself a world citizen. I planned to have houses in several countries and live all over the world. That is why I transformed my business, allowing me to work remotely. 

But it is one thing to leave your country when it is in order and prosperous. And quite another, when she is wounded. It's like leaving a sick animal that has no one but you.

Of course, as the writer Nassim Taleb described, white or black 'swans' can appear on the way. White - if, for example, you meet love on the way. Black - if in Ukraine, God forbid, your loved ones die. But you can't predict everything. The better you 'guard' your life, the more likely it is that unforeseen events will occur in it.

Many Ukrainians are currently in a strange state: you exist, as it were, between two realities - you are no longer in Ukraine but not yet Irish. You seem to be stuck in a purgatory, where there is no movement, and for the first time, you have no plans for the future. 

Many are now experiencing delayed life syndrome. Every day they wait for the war to end, knowing it cannot end yet. And they're still waiting. 

Nothing larger than daily routines can begin precisely because everything is postponed "until after the war".

It would seem that you have safety, a roof over your head, food, water, and the inhabitants' hospitality. Live and be happy. But you can't. The most painful thing for us is to see the fatigue of the Europeans from the war. And also - their desire to find "good Russians". As though Putin is to blame for everything. But what about the Russian people? It's just people, and they can't do anything? 

We must prove the obvious: in this very moment, in the 21st century, there is a genocide of one people against another. Absolutely by the people, not only by Putin. An article, in which I wrote about Russians' chilling conversations with their relatives on the phone, was not published. In every quote of a Russian soldier and his wife, mother, and brother, there was so much hatred for the Ukrainians that it is hard to believe. 

I think these telephone conversations were recognized as so-called sensitive content. But now, our whole life has become sensitive content, and it hurts us a lot when the world does not want to see this.

The last time I tried to talk about the war with Irish acquaintances, there was an uncomfortable pause; people no longer knew what to say. A little more - and discussing the war will become indecent in a decent society. But the war is not just news about what Zelenskyy said or how the grain talks ended. 

War for us is the news that a rocket has fallen today 10 kilometres from your mother and the dog, which is already disabled. There are murdered children, and fragments of their mothers' bodies, scattered next to the stroller. There are raped babies. There are Ukrainian prisoners whose genitals were cut off by Russians, who filmed it all on video, before killing them with kicks in the head. 

This is a total injustice. This injustice we have as a lump in our throats when we answer questions, "How are you?" Are we good or very good? 

We are dying every second with every deceased Ukrainian, with every destroyed house, theatre, and kindergarten. They die every day by the hundreds. And rising from these ashes is more difficult every time.

So, when every second in horror and tension you expect that the next missile could deprive you of your mother or home, and subsequently the whole city, it is strange for us to read the reflections of "good Russians" that they are like torn leaves in the wind. Are we to pity them? To thank, to understand, and forgive?

To read the transcripts of telephone conversations between Russian soldiers and their relatives, go to the news section of the Ukrainian Security Service website.