Philip O'Connor: Men's violence against women is a problem for men, not women, to solve

Ashling Murphy, 23, was jogging after work on the banks of the Grand Canal in Tullamore yesterday when she was killed.

Another woman dead. Another man suspected of killing her.

Another mother has to bury a daughter because we can't raise our sons. Justice will not be done until every woman is safe from this violence, and that starts with us - with men.

If the best time to start fixing this problem was a century ago, the second-best time is now, but despite half the world living in fear, the will appears to be lacking.

Men kill women for a variety of reasons – jealousy, rage, misogyny – but mostly they kill them because they can.

Society – that means you and me - offers them little or no protection.

I’ve written before in these pages about teaching self-defence to women.

Most come in with fixed ideas as to what they would do if a man attacked them – kicking him in the balls or having keys between fingers and trying to punch him are two of the most popular.

Given that nature quickly teaches us men how painful it can be, kicking a man in the balls is extremely hard – our reflexes can stop or deflect even the most determined of attacks.

And holding keys between your fingers while punching someone will do far more damage to the webbed skin between your fingers, and indeed your keys, than it will to any man.

That’s if they even manage to react. 

We hear all the time about the “fight or flight” instinct, but we never hear about the third “f”, which happens far more often than we care to admit – freeze.

Despite a lifetime of interest in boxing and martial arts and a fair few years of practice, it has happened to me in violent situations.

I remember getting punched in the head and the world just stopping, as if I was outside myself, and my limbs not responding. There was nothing. Nada.

Deep down in whatever cortex controls our most prehistoric survival responses, a signal was sent that being completely still was the best strategy.

Even after the next punch landed my brain remained convinced it was right, and I lost a tooth as a result.

This is the response that often prevents victims of sexual violence from screaming, from fleeing, from fighting back.

A considerable number of women have told me that their survival strategy is to resist to a point, and then just get it over with.

Is this who we want to be in 2022? A society and a world where women have to be prepared to accept this kind of physical and emotional violence just for a chance to stay alive?

Before the letters to the editor start to overflow down the stairs – I know, I know, “not all men”.

But if you’re male and reading this, ask yourself – when was the last time I made a conscious decision to make a woman feel safe based on her reading of a given situation?

The last part is important – not because you wanted to come across as the friendly guy in the bus queue or holding the gym door open to let her go before you, but because you saw something and thought, “I better make sure she understands that I’m not a threat here, and that means not making eye contact and going in another direction.” 

Because what we perceive to be gestures offering security – a hand on an elbow, sidling up to someone in a bus queue – are the very opposite of making women feel secure.

If we do these things to make us feel better, rather than them, it is performative - and perhaps thus even more intimidating.

If you’re a man, when was the last time you spoke up in the pub when someone referred to a woman as a whore or a slut or a geebag?

When was the last time you ran the risk of being told “it’s just banter” because you weren’t going to accept this anymore?

Consequences, particularly social ones, have a huge effect on our behaviour – that’s why you don’t go home and call your mother a c**t over the Sunday dinner.

By calling out such things when they cross our paths, we begin to reset everyone’s expectations of what is acceptable.

All of these things – the self-serving saviour behavior, the language of misogyny, and not least putting the responsibility for this violence on women and not men – are what perpetrate a culture that allows some men (yes, OK, not all men) – to believe that they are entitled to women, to their attention, their affection, their love, their bodies, and their lives.

We are not.

There is nothing in the world women need to change to solve this problem. It is not their problem to solve.

This is my problem, and the problem of every man reading this.

And it’s about time we got around to solving it.

• If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please click here for a list of support services.