Taking an eight-year sabbatical from sex
WHEN Sinéad O’Connor announced that she was sick of being without a man — it didn’t read as though she was advertising for the love of her life — instead, she stated her desire to find a man to end her sexual drought.
While Ms O’Connor’s “advertisement” doesn’t say how long it has been since she last enjoyed sex, her youngest son is nearly four. She hasn’t, therefore, been without sex for as long as I have. It’s been eight years and one month since I last indulged.
Paradoxical as it may seem, the main reason I haven’t had sex for so long is not because I don’t like it, but for precisely the opposite reason — I love sex. But I don’t just like any old sex with any old person — I love great sex and I can only have that if I’ve arrived at a level of intimacy with the man in question.
Intimacy is feeling safe and allowing yourself to show vulnerability — it’s two people being open and honest about who they are. That, sadly, cannot be achieved in the course of an evening — or even several evenings. Intimacy is both an investment and the return on that investment.
I think that sex — like food — is better when it’s a gourmet meal than when it’s a burger at a fast food joint. Brad Taylor, a pharmacist from Waterford, agrees with me. In his early thirties, Brad hasn’t had sex in nearly four years.
“I don’t particularly miss sex; it’s the closeness of a connection with someone that actually means something to me,” he says.
“So I’m not interested in having sex outside of a relationship.”
I wonder if he’s looking for a relationship — dying to be part of a couple again?
“No. A relationship is so far down my list of priorities, I think it’s fallen off,” he tells me.
I know what he means. Giving up sex is a bit like giving up sugar in your tea for Lent: I loved it and giving it up was hard, but now that it’s been given up, I’m happy enough without it.
Like Brad and myself, Lucy believes that sex is only worth having when it’s part of a committed relationship. At 28, Lucy is still a virgin — a situation she’s quite happy with. She’s the only person in her circle of friends who hasn’t slept with someone. I ask if she feels she’s missing something.
“The only time I think I might be missing out is when my friends are talking about their sexual experiences, and I have nothing to add to the conversation,” she tells me. “I sit there, twiddling my thumbs....it bothers me more that I’m single than that I’m a virgin.”
Is she saving it for marriage?
“No,” she exclaims. “I’m just waiting the right time — with the right person.”
“I was only 18 the last time I was in a serious relationship,” Lucy confides. “And I knew that was too young to be having sex. I think sex is a bigger deal than Sex In The City makes it out to be,” she continues. “I think losing your virginity is something that should be enjoyed rather than something that needs to be gotten over and done with.
And just because you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that you’re having sex.
Being in a celibate marriage, when it’s not your choice, is no fun at all. I’m of the opinion that sex is the cement that keeps the bricks of a relationship together and that without it, the relationship will fall apart.
Gráinne disagrees. She and Edward — her partner of eight years haven’t had sex since their first child was conceived.
Does she miss it?
“Not at all,” Gráinne replied. “And Edward was never really in to it, either,” she revealed. “There’s far more to our relationship than sex — we’re busy bringing our child up together and we have other things that keep our relationship alive.”
Their daughter was a bad sleeper and Gráinne and Edward slept in shifts, in separate rooms.
“We both just stopped wanting it — and we never started wanting it again,” Gráinne told me simply. “We’re still affectionate — we still hug and kiss — and we still love each other, but our relationship is not focused on our genitals.”
So, while I wish Sinéad O’Connor the very best of luck, and I applaud the fact that the taboo surrounding sex in Ireland has disappeared, I must confess that it will be a long time before I am tempted to follow her lead.
