Colin Sheridan: I'm sick of telling computers that I'm not a robot

If interrogators want to break me, all they have to do is make me go online and join my local GAA club. Or apply for an Arts Council grant. Or begin the process of obtaining Garda vetting 

'Whispers at the school gate lead me to believe there’s many a great coach out there who’d love to get involved but are turned off at the first automated request to confirm how many lamp posts they see on a screen.' File picture: iStock

When the knock on the door finally comes and the Deep State takes me away for interrogation, tell them not to bother with any of the usual methods of coercion.

There’ll be no need to waterboard me — I’ve sat through enough lectures on Finnegans Wake not to be broken by such amateurism. Playing Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’ on repeat will do little to weaken my resolve, especially as that song matters a great deal to me, reminding me as it does of the final days of the Celtic Tiger — when we went to Tesco to buy foie gras but came home with three apartments in Bulgaria.