Maeve Higgins: Best ways to stay grounded if you need to take flight

Trying to relax on a flight can be tricky, says Maeve Higgins, try to sit quietly and drink water until you land.

The first and most obvious rule about flying is not to. Don’t fly!

If you can help it at all, for your sake and the sake of the climate and, not to put too fine a point on it, the future of humanity — step away from the airplane!

(Only when it’s on the ground though. Never step away when it’s mid-flight. That’s just one of my top tips for flying.) 

Here are some more from me — an unfortunate, over-seasoned traveller. Hopefully, you are sitting comfortably in your kitchen as you read this, or lying on the sofa with no place to be, or maybe you’re even on a train.

What contentment that brings, sitting on a train with a newspaper and a cup of tea.

That’s all I plan on doing when I’m old, and by “old”, I mean as soon as possible.

The train scenario is not just more pleasant; it’s more likely. Most of the billions of us on the planet have never even been on an airplane. A minority, however, flies regularly.

Last year, I was one of them because of work and family commitments.

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Do you like how easily I appoint the blame to “work and family” to neatly avoid personal responsibility? Now, having noted my unease with how I and many others engage in this dramatically energy-intense and often unnecessary mode of transport, here’s how best to do it if you absolutely must.

Bring a baby 

On long flights, babies love nothing more than walking around and around airplanes. I mean the ambulatory kind when I say baby, so I probably mean toddlers. 

They are ideal flyers because they are small and don’t feel cramped up in the seat. They nap a lot and amuse themselves by looking out the window and trying to open the doors.

Some people don’t like babies on planes because they cry or make noise, but they are probably just jealous of babies’ skin. 

Babies are cute to look at too, and unlike most adults, babies rarely, if ever, trap their neighbours into long and overly personal conversations.

There was a baby on the last flight I took from Dublin to New York, and she spent most of the seven hours in the air circulating like the diminutive but powerful hostess of a private party where only she knew all the guests. She smiled and waved at us each time she did a lap, with one of her bedraggled parents trailing behind and smiling apologetically.

I thought it was a great idea; the baby was bringing us all together and keeping us on our toes by shouting at us if we failed to wave and smile back at her. 

In the end, I switched off my screen and waited for her to return so I wouldn’t enrage her. Now, that’s a leader.

Be kind to airline staff 

Ideally, there would be no need to say this, but air travel is far from ideal. Since the pandemic, when many airlines were bailed out by the public but still laid off workers, fewer workers have had to deal with bigger problems than ever.

The climate crisis has contributed to extreme weather events like the bitter  ice storm that overtook the US in December and forced airlines to cancel thousands of flights. Travellers were stranded in what CBS predictably called “the nightmare before Christmas”.

Shouting at airline staff is like bellowing in to a well, says Maeve Higgins. Picture: Colin Keegan/Collins Dublin

It’s only human to be grumpy when you’re stuck in an airport with no way to get home for the holidays, especially when you’ve paid for a ticket, but there’s no point in taking it out on a hapless staff member.

I feel so embarrassed for people who get angry at airline staff. Shouting at them is like bellowing into a well, except it’s a well with feelings and the training to potentially save your life.

Don’t fret about other passengers 

Something about flying makes everyone a tad more pass-remarkable than usual. Perhaps because everyone is packed in tightly and feeling a little on edge, we are mean to each other, pecking away like so many battery hens.

When the captain switches off the seatbelt light at the end of a flight, some people jump up and rummage around in the overhead bins and stand in the aisle impatiently tapping their fingers on the chair in front of them.

That’s all legally allowed and totally fine. It doesn’t affect anyone else, but it really bothers other people for some reason.

I’ve heard lots of grumbling about these eager travellers keen to hurry up and wait, but the grumblers are the ones with the problem.

'The grumblers are the ones with the problem'.

Forgive the 90s expression, but they need to take a chill pill. I recommend Xanax or, in a pinch, Benadryl.

This one is a cliche, but s travelling can be stressful, with delays and cancellations, as well as plagues and storms, relaxing is a massive challenge.

Relax and enjoy the flight 

There is the knowledge that you’re complicit in emitting tonnes of carbon; then, you want to watch Outlander; you’re too worried about the whole plane glancing over when the steamy sex scenes are on. And what if the Leader baby walks by?

Sit quietly and drink water until you arrive land. If you want to clap when you land, absolutely feel free. You know what? It’s probably best to clap your heart out, on the off chance you’re lucky enough to be on your last flight ever.