Colm O'Regan's predictions for 2016

Colm O' Regan looks ahead to what 2016 might bring, from a General Election to Euro 2016 and everything in-between.
  • SO, 2016 is the known as the year of elections. It’s obvious right from the outset that the numbers favour a Fine Gael coalition with Fianna Fáil but the two parties, infuriatingly, refuse to get together.
  • They are nicknamed Ross and Rachel after the protracted flirtation in the sitcom Friends.
  • Following the first election in February, Fine Gael is in negotiations with Labour and some Independents. Fianna Fáil overhears Fine Gael say that they’d rather be with Fianna Fáil and they rush to the Dáil but it’s too late as Fine Gael comes out with a press conference that they’ve done a deal with some Independents and the Labour TD.
  • There is another election where Fine Gael deliberately go into coalition with Sinn Féin just to make Fianna Fáil jealous.
  • After the third election, Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael get together in a season finale but by that stage the public have lost interest and are watching Netflix.
  • The must-have gadget is the phone that does nothing else only call people and send texts. Consumers flock to its simple design and the fact that they can use it and then — and this is the revolutionary bit — PUT THE FECKING THING AWAY. It has a very clever feature which preserves the battery life which is that when you are not ringing or texting someone you PUT THE FECKING THING AWAY.
  • Islamic State declare a fatwa on solar power deeming it to be stealing God’s energy and also reducing oil prices, thus affecting their war economy. They lobby US Republican congressmen and senators to vote against solar power. The Republicans concede that IS mightn’t be all that bad once you get to know them.
  • In European cup rugby, with nothing at stake, enterprising travel agents target rugby fans whose spouses are fed up with travelling to European cities and experiencing nothing but enforced banter with friends they never actually liked but got stuck with one of these trips before. The travel agents sell match-weekend packages that do not include any tickets to matches — just tickets to museums and directories of pubs and restaurants that won’t be showing the other group match.
  • In soccer, the Euros are a mixed bag for Ireland. Roy Keane threatens to go home after calling the training facilities a carpark until a translator points out it is a carpark and the training pitch is actually over there behind it.
  • The World Health Organisation releases another report saying that red meat — in particular burgers and sausage — could kill you, but later retract the report saying that burgers and sausages omg are soooo tasty they are TO DIE FOR.
  • At the 2016 Olympics, the IAAF gives up all pretence at trying to test for drugs properly, or ban countries whose athletes use them. Now, whoever is on the best drugs wins. The 100m sprint becomes the Nandrolone Hundred.
  • The IS war on solar panels and windfarms causes Donald Trump to promise if elected president of the US he will build a roof over America. He wins the Republican nomination and both he and Hillary Clinton run on the campaign slogan of Smell the Fear.
  • The Russian company which planned to build a space hotel admits it won’t be ready for guests in 2016. This does not stop several bad reviews appearing on TripAdvisor. “Zero atmosphere. Very sterile. And when it came to helping us with our bags, staff were non-existent”.
  • The Late late Toy Show is beset by scandal as tractor firms are accused of paying children to advertise their machinery on the show. Following 2015’s Fear the Deere breakout moment, one child is reputed to have received €1,000 to say “Stay classy drive a Massey” with another girl shouting “New year, new Holland” before being dragged away.

Speaking of which, whatever tractor you drive, happy new year.

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