Blubbering Alan Kelly still labouring over party poll data report leak

Labour’s deputy leader — and Ireland’s self-styled saviour — was said to be ‘moist of eye’ and ‘emotional’ at a parliamentary party meeting as he protested his innocence over the leaking of poll data, writes Shaun Connolly.

The ego may have finally crash-landed, but political bruiser-turned-crybaby Alan Kelly’s opinion of himself can remain as unfeasibly high as ever because he is still what he always believed himself to be: The future of parliamentary democracy — in Kosovo, anyway.

The breakaway Balkan republic’s national assembly has had the novel experience of MPs setting off tear gas in the chamber no less than five times in the past few weeks.

So despite his Labour chums turning on him, Kelly has a head start in the diplomatically ambiguous enclave that Nato bombed out of Serbia’s clutches in 1999, because the Tipperary sob-machine can turn on the tears merely with the aid of the gas he generates with denials that he leaked damaging private poll results showing the party was heading for a pounding from the voters.

Alan Kelly

Labour’s deputy leader — and Ireland’s self-styled saviour — was said to be “moist of eye” and “emotional” at this week’s parliamentary party meeting as he protested his innocence of all charges that he facilitated the release of damaging data showing Labour was set to come back with possibly just 10 TDs in the election.

While some in the party would have been privately delighted to make it back into double figures at all, everybody got very cross with blub-baby Alan because quite a few of his colleagues fail to hold him in the same high esteem in which he holds himself.

There he was in the Dáil again only the other day, modestly branding his own, rather limp, Climate Change Bill as “historic”. But then everything the environment minister touches is “historic” in his opinion — and with good reason, because few could disagree with the fact that he has made a magnificent effort in helping to make the Labour Party history at the next election.

Kelly’s year-long, snail-a-thon rollout of rent (un)certainty has also been an own goal of truly historic proportions. By dragging his feet on the issue for so long, and lacking the strategic ally-building abilities to avoid royally pissing-off the landlord-loving Thatcherites in Fine Gael in the process, tenants got screwed with massive rent hikes before any form of ceiling could be put on them, thus totally negating the initiative before it had even started.

But, as Kelly himself told us in that trademark unassuming way of his, Irish Water will really be his “legacy”.

Indeed, Kelly gushed in the Dáil: “I want my legacy to be one of achievement and not destruction. While we made mistakes, setting up Irish Water was not one of them.”

Really Alan? We suspect the electorate may disagree with you a tad there.

And Kelly’s grand wheeze to underline the farcical offence of the whole setup — paying people who refuse to stump up for the water tax a €100 tax rebate for merely registering that they exist — only succeeded in adding to the contempt in which the Government is held.

And it was yet another strategic blunder by Labour to take on the Environment gig in the first place, as the department has always had the stench of Phil Hogan’s arrogant failures clinging to it.

Phil Hogan

The move meant Labour was left carrying the leaky can for the water tax fiasco in return for getting control of housing policy, a plan which Joan Burton hoped would help relaunch the party.

But while the building programme is ambitious, it is well outside the current electoral cycle so will bring no benefit to the party, but actually heap more mistrust on it as it limps into the campaign once again asking voters to take a punt on it living up to its promises.

As Labour reneged on everything it promised to stop Fine Gael from doing the last time out, it is unlikely the electorate will fall for that one twice.

Especially as Kelly keeps insisting it is “unacceptable” that 1,500 children are homeless this Christmas in Dublin alone, but fails to make the connection that he is the very minister responsible for actually accepting such a shameful situation.

Burton wails in horror that anyone would leak Labour’s private polling as Kelly insists, through blabbing gasps, that it was not an attempt on his part to secure the succession for himself.

And nobody knows as much about being a loyal deputy of the Labour Party than good old Joanie — just ask anyone.

Joan Burton

Anyone apart from Eamon Gilmore, that is.

Gilmore has now decided to toddle off to Colombia as the EU’s representative in a bid to stop the vicious guerrilla insurgency there — so, even if he fails, at least it will give him a nice break from the Labour in-fighting at home.

So, who did leak the poll toll?

It is almost worthy of a John Le Carré novel.

Not so much Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, though because ,with a cast of characters as rum as Joanie, Kelly, and Gilmore, it would more be Moaner, Sobber, Goner, Sigh.

As Kelly, no doubt, would be the first to tell us, he was always destined for great things, so maybe Kosovo would be too small a stage for him after all.

Indeed, it is surprising he can actually fit his ego into Tipperary, even though it is Ireland’s sixth largest county.

Despite the whole sorry mess, Kelly is probably still humming his theme tune: “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.”

Those who really weep for what Labour has become know the real mood music of the election. As Joan plasters on that rigour mortis-like electoral grin, the tune playing will be “Smile even though your party’s breaking”.