Only item on my 2015 ‘to do’ list is to be happy with who I am and what I have

MAYBE I’m a pervert, but I love January. Its calm gloom is like sinking into a cooling bath after the overheated mania of December.

And who doesn’t love opening a blank new calendar uncluttered by minor tyrannies, like dental check-ups and parent evenings? Give it a week and it’s a biro’d scribble of ‘things to do’, but there’s always that small, early January window, when the calendar page remains white as a fresh fall of snow.

As should your list of resolutions. Remain blank, I mean. Instead, how about a different kind of list — ‘things to stop freaking out about in 2015’:

Not having enough sex

Everything you read tells you that everyone is having way more sex than you. Not only are people having more sex than you, it is infinitely superior and more adventurous sex than the kind you’re having — when you have it at all. You are, therefore, a sex failure. You discovered this in an online quiz, so it must be true. It’s not. You’re fine. Carry on as you were.

Being the wrong size

Obviously, this includes you. You are definitely the wrong size, and even if you are not totally the wrong size, you are the wrong shape. This used to apply solely to females, but is now open to everyone. We are all the wrong size, shape, or both. Only photoshop can make us the right size and shape, but, unless you live inside a magazine, this is not going to happen. Go for a walk, and be happy.

Not having enough stuff

This is like thinking you’re not having enough sex, but more pointless. Worrying about not having enough money to buy more stuff, then working too hard to earn the money to buy the stuff, so that you’re too tired and stressed to have sex, or do anything else, before discovering that when you do buy the stuff it still doesn’t make you happy. Forget the January sales. Have sex, instead. If that’s not an option, go for another walk.

Not being good enough

This applies to everyone. Mothers get it a lot, but, remember — if the kids are alive and mostly not in juvenile detention, that’s a job well done. Women read self-help books designed to make them feel worse about themselves, while men go to sporting fixtures and shout aggressively at strangers, rather than talking about their feelings. Relax. We are all good enough. No need to learn Japanese or go for another stressful promotion. You’re grand.

Missing out

Everyone is having an amazing life, except you — you’ve seen them on Facebook. Everyone has a more interesting job, a hotter partner, cooler holidays, better furniture. Meanwhile, you’re upto your tonsils in beige, while everyone else is splashing around in full colour. They’re not. Everyone has to take the bin out, buy drain unblocker, argue about the washing up. There is no alternative universe of cool — if there is, it will be full of muppets. Enjoy where you are and what you have. Have sex. Go for a walk.