A wrong present is telling you to get the right boyfriend

CHRISTMAS isn’t just about fighting with your family over reheated Brussels sprouts, nor about which one of you is the most useless — no, it is a time of giving, including giving your relationship a long, hard stare, if your other half gives you the wrong present.

As a woman, you will be familiar with receiving such wrongness, but think of the wrong present as a genuine gift, as an excellent barometer of your relationship.

And unlike relationship counselling, it costs you nothing — apart from the relationship itself, if the present is irredeemably wrong.

WRONG: As in, no present. “Let’s not bother this year, ok?” Game over. Leave now.

Practical gifts? Don’t even think about it.

Giving her a hair dryer, hair straightener, iron, juicer, dehydrator, foot spa, camping equipment, beauty kit, gardening tools, hand-held blender, coffee-maker, tool box, set of spanners, heated rollers, home- waxing kit, jump leads, or baking trays — or a combination of any of the above, unless she has requested it — is a clear statement.

This is what you are saying: “Have you looked in the mirror lately, you badly groomed mess? Sort yourself out with that hair tongs and make me a coffee/juice /soup, before you get started on the house/garden/car.”

Keep the receipt, lady.

You’ll need it.

Erotica? Space restrictions forbid a more detailed analysis, but let’s just say that when you open something glossy that involves female nudity, accompanied by Christmas-themed teeny garments made of flammable dental floss and corset hooks, your guy is not thinking about your gift.

He’s thinking about his own.

If he fails to understand this, remember to give him a book of oiled, naked men and a gimp mask next year.

Candles, face creams, anything involving aromatherapy — these presents say “I have no idea who you are or what you like, or why I am in a relationship with you.”

If your relationship has been going on longer than a fortnight and you get a gift box of foot lotion and a scented candle, be afraid.

Books: Tread really, really carefully.

The wrong book is the greatest insult of all.

Not sure if she’ll be thrilled with that coffee-table book on how to make choux pastry?

Get her a book token, instead.

You can always put it in a velvet box, rather than just hand it to her all dog-eared.

It might not feel romantic, but it’s less horrific than her unwrapping a pink, shiny, chick-lit rom-com on Christmas morning.

She’d rather a set of spanners, so she can beat you to death.

Gadgets: Nothing says romance like an Xbox controller.

No, really. Nothing.

Better to give her nothing than to give anything electronic, unless she is a techie, in which case you won’t even be reading this, because what self-respecting techie reads actual newspapers anymore?

RIGHT: Cashmere. Airline tickets for two, wrapped in cashmere. See? Easy.