Opening Lines

IF the Scots vote yes on Thursday, rest assured that will not be the end of the story.

Inevitably it will also lead to other independence movements elsewhere in these islands. The Welsh may want more autonomy. It makes things complicated in the North and of course, one area that has always sought self-determination may seek to re-establish itself as an independent entity: Cork.

The county has always thought of itself as being a people apart. The phrase the ‘Rebel County’ stems from the time the people of Cork supported a pretender to the English throne during the War of the Roses, Perkin Warbeck. After briefly slagging him off over his name, several Cork luminaries went to England to fight with him, lost and were executed; despite the excuse of “we were only ball-hopping, like”.

But now, I think we’re ready. The fact that the phrase ‘The People’s Republic’ is well-established in the public lexicon as ‘The Rebels’ reflects our growing maturity as a potential jurisdiction.

It all comes down to whether the new country would be financially viable. Obviously, I’m talking about the rest of Ireland without Cork. Cork itself would be fine. We have oil revenues from Barryroe, chutney and other farmer’s market stuff from West Cork and the usual flow of money from the Cork diaspora in Dublin in the form of presents at Christmas. There’s enough film talent holidaying in Kinsale alone to make our own Collywood.

Apart from taking on an extra ‘r’, the county would need to expand territorially to be a nation. We might need Dungarvan — just to be on the safe side in case of attack from Waterford — but on the plus side, with our tunnelling expertise there wouldn’t be a need for half as many roundabouts there. The bits of the Blackwater river around Lismore and Cappoquin would be annexed. Because it’s lovely around there — remember we went there for a picnic? Also the Mitchelstown Caves would come back to Cork. They must have been ours before, otherwise why call them Mitchelstown? And it would get rid of one recurring table-quiz question. And we might take Skeheenarinky as well, just because of the name.

The separation would not be without its messy points. What would our obligations be with regard to the legacy bank debt? We could refuse to pay it as “it wasn’t us who went mad at all but the crowd above in Dublin”.

Governance is a key question. We would have the opportunity to start afresh. The old civil war politics wouldn’t apply — at least not until we had our first Civil War. Obviously a cabinet of Corkonians and honorary Corkonians — people who are sound, like Imelda May — would oversee the transition. A heavy emphasis would be placed on sports stars and if they had been perceived to have been badly treated by ‘the crowd above in Dublin’ then all the better. There would be no bloated semi-State companies, no clientelism. Cork Water would be a popular company — because His Nibs’s brother-in-law is running it and he’s a dacent man.

It’s time for a referendum. How will you vote: ‘Go on so’ or ‘I will yeah’?