Hipster beards don’t cut it with the ladies

I don't know what it’s like where you are, but it seems to be getting worse where I am. You can’t even put it down to April Fool, because it’s been going on for ages now, and growing all the time.

Beards. I refer to beards, and the current hipster rage for them. Everywhere you look, there’s a beard either in your face or on your face. Big bushy complicated projectiles that look perfectly sensible on big gay bears, but perfectly ridiculous on skinny twentysomething boys who have only recently started shaving.

Chaps — desist. We know you are doing it primarily – if subconsciously — to show off your beard-growing testosterone levels to each other, but the heterosexuals amongst you should realise ladies hate beards. Really hate them. Imagine, Mr Luxuriant Beard Wearer, what it would feel like to stick your face into your own beard and have a rummage about with your lips. Hideous thought, right? And yet this is what you expect us ladies to do. Sorry to spell it out, but women don’t like snogging beards. Apart from the pubic hair texture, we are afraid of what we might find in there. Lost coins, bits of old pizza, that comb we mislaid last week.