Saying no means exactly that — nothing else

THERE are few words in any language less ambiguous than no. No means not happening, not at all, nothing, zilch, nada, nil, not on, naught, nowt, not a damn thing, get your coat, go home. No means no.

Except when it comes to sexual consent, where no has apparently been reconfigured to mean maybe. The aptly named Robin Thicke has squeezed a hit out of this manmade ambiguity with the ‘rapey’ track ‘Blurred Lines’, but we can’t really blame one R&B muppet for a culture of no meaning maybe.

There has been talk in the UK recently of lowering the age of consent from 16 to 15, and while the idea of criminalising two 15 year olds for having sex remains absurd and Orwellian, the lowering of the age to 15 might just weaken the word no even more. We may have reared our kids, male and female, in households where words like respect and consent are revered, but our kids are the first generation to grow up within the pornification of mainstream sexuality. Not that this is about censorship — God, no — but being able to download porn on your smartphone at the bus stop on the way home from school has not done the reality, gravitas and significance of the word no any favours.

Which is why the Make Love Not Porn website is so brilliant. No moralising, just a walk-through for teens on the difference between real life sex and what professional sex performers do on screen for money. Like the fact that women are not born waxed and hairless all over, or that threesomes are not something you do on a first date, or maybe even a second.

But back in the land of teenage fumbling, raging hormones and still-developing social skills, perhaps mixed with lack of confidence and a burning need for acceptance, the word no remains more essential than ever. Not that this is just about teens — men and women of all ages can be deaf to the meaning of no.

Later maybe means no. I’m not sure means no. I’m with my friends means no, as does I have to get up in the morning, I’m very tired, or I have to go now — these are some of the different ways of saying no. I’m so busy right now means no. You’re not really my type means no, I have a boyfriend/girlfriend means no, I’m single means no. And being too drunk to say no definitely means no — people who have sex with drunk people just because they can are one tiny step away from necrophilia. Which will never look good on your CV. Nor will the word rapist.

If anyone says any of the above to you — about being tired, busy, attached, single, career-focused, or about to leave the building — they are being diplomatic. They don’t fancy you. You will know when they do — it will be obvious. They will be saying yes.