Just two won’t do ... why did I miss the threesomes?

ALTHOUGH entirely Irish, not being resident in Ireland means that I can sometimes miss a trick.

You can imagine, then, how the Guardian headline “Fine Gael Split Over Threesome Advice” took me by surprise. Astonishment. Open-mouthed wonder. Lying in bed, still half asleep and trying to focus properly on my Twitterfeed, all I could think was — they have THREESOMES in IRELAND now?

That is SO unfair. They never had threesomes in my day. Even twosomes could get you into trouble back then.

Anyway. Threesomes. Have you had one yet?

Can you get vouchers, or do you apply in writing? Oh, I see. They’re only for teenagers. Well, once again, that is SO unfair.

Why should they have all the fun? Still, glad to see that there’s a website offering advice for those who have never done it before.

The yoof website SpunOut has been causing much spluttering in Irish politics and Father Ted headlines in the British press. But you know all that. So what do they actually advise?

“Make sure it’s a safe experience,” they suggest. Presumably they mean not to have a threesome with a starving lion, or on a clifftop in a gale, or with anything involving explosives or barbed wire. If you’re not sure, the best thing to do is comply with everything your partner says: “If your partner tells you that they want things a certain way, don’t ignore it during the threesome. That’s pretty uncool and will likely affect your relationship.” So if your partner introduces someone in full clown costume and asks you to bake them a cake, remember, it would be uncool to refuse, and they might dump you and run off with the clown. You have been warned.

“Be clear about why you are doing this,” says the website, even if “other people say it would be great craic”.

Well, gosh, teenage Ireland, how things have changed. Once, ‘great craic’ meant drinking eight pints of cider and throwing up on your best friend’s hair, getting in a messy brawl at closing time, or going to London to sign on. Nowadays, it’s threesomes. That’s the recession for you. Who can afford eight pints anymore, or even a trip to Bandon, never mind London? At least threesomes are free, and cut down on the heating bills. It shows an enterprising spirit amongst our younger generation.

But if you are in the midst of this ‘great craic’ and decide to change your mind, “Pick a code word — the code word is your way of saying you want to stop the threesome”. You want something that will kill the moment instantly.

How about ‘jealous old politicians’? Or ‘Down With This Sort Of Thing’?